MILWAUKEE, Wisc. — Local metalhead Zach Schmidt and goth Brandon Cleary got into a heated slap-fight over who was entitled to whine about the upcoming Deafheaven album, “Lonely People With Power,” perpetually-bitter sources confirmed.
“I was at Up-Down Arcade playing pinball and talking to a friend about what garbage-ass circle-jerk bullshit the new Deafheaven single is,” said Schmidt. “They broke all the rules, so they’re not metal anymore. They’re gothy shoegaze whatever now, and I said so. And then this jackass with a bad dye-job came up and said I didn’t have any right to bitch because the goths own them now. Needless to say, shit was on. Just because I disowned a band for an arbitrary reason doesn’t mean I can’t still loudly fucking complain about them. After all, I knew them first.”
First-responding officer Randy Pruss was baffled by the situation.
“When I arrived at the scene, the two were arguing about something called Deathhaven,” said Pruss. “This is actually the first time I’ve had to write out a police report where the two sides got into a physical altercation because they were in agreement with each other. If only these kids listened to real music, like the Nuge or Kid Rock, then this kind of stuff wouldn’t happen. Those artists are peaceful and bring people together. I mean, Kid Rock’s never lashed out like a petulant teenager at pointless stuff, because that’s beneath him.”
Music journalist Tyler Wild discussed the displeasure among music fans regarding Deafheaven.
“This was bound to happen,” explained Wild. “Metalheads and goths strive for joylessness, and thus tend to hate their own bands for not being the violence-obsessed or the black-drenched ideals in their respective camps. And being a blackgaze band, Deafheaven is particularly divisive, so of course a scuffle broke out. If you’re a metalhead, you hate everything besides their 2010 demo, because everything after is poser nonsense when real production and singing start to appear. If you’re a goth, ‘Infinite Granite’ is your only option because they sound like a My Bloody Valentine cover band doing a second-rate Depeche Mode impression.”
At press time, both Schmidt and Cleary pre-ordered the Daydream Variant vinyl, despite being sure it’ll suck an insane amount of ass.