WASHINGTON — Donald Trump announced that he would be meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin to discuss a number of international policies for his 90-day foreign asset probationary review, the White House has confirmed.
“We’re going to have a great conversation, a perfect conversation. Some are already saying it’s going to be the best two guys talking and the history books will remember it as amazing. I know Putin is going to love how I’ve convinced so many Americans to love Russia. Because Russia used to be the bad guys, but now they are the good guys and Canada are the bad guys. I know he was very proud when the Vice President and I lectured Zelenskyy at the White House, that was a beatdown, and when I halted sending weapons to those pesky Ukrainians I certainly set myself up for being his top guy,” said Trump while in route from Mar-a-Lago to Washington for the ninth time this week. “Putin was very specific about the job requirements this time around, that I needed to deliver more wins for Russia than my last term. He said ‘we’ll push you out of a window, we’ll poison your Big Macs’. But here I am with two feet on the ground in the best of health so I must be doing a terrific job. As soon as I can hand Crimea to Russia he said we can start building casinos and he’ll start contributing to my HSA. The winning will never end!”
As of press time, Kremlin officials stated if the review goes well, going forward Trump will report directly to Elon Musk regarding his progress in upending the stability of Western civilization.