Look, I know I’m not perfect. Me and my boys, we got a reputation for getting a little riled up at times. Maybe we could stand to work on that. But at the end of the day, I can’t change who l am. I’m an Irish catholic gym rat named Mark—one of thousands living in this city—and if Applebees didn’t want all that smoke, then they shouldn’t have Dropkick Murphys’ “I’m Shipping Up to Boston” on their touchtunes.
It all started when I went out looking for some green Michelob Ultra to celebrate St Paddy’s. (Normally, I’d go for a Guinness, but I’m doing a cut right now.) The Applebees was the only place in the area that had what I needed, so since it wasn’t an authentic Irish pub, I took it upon myself to make it feel like one, right?
So I sat down at the u-shaped bar, yeah, and the bartender gave me the lowdown. She gave me a menu and told me about TouchTunes, an app that works like a virtual jukebox. I downloaded the app, and it was wicked easy to find what I was looking for. I mean, there was no Pantera or Trapt on there, which was a red flag, I guess, but there was plenty to choose from that fit the St. Paddy’s theme.
I paid my $1.99, and Applebees took my $1.99, so I should have been able to do what I want with it, right? Plus, I ordered round after round of tater tots and green beer, shouldn’t that count for something? But here I am, sitting on the sidewalk, talking to Boston’s finest. All this because a man was allegedly thrown behind the bar counter, allegedly damaging the entire supply of Tito’s vodka and 2 TVs on Paddy’s weekend. TVs that were showing the Celts game and Boondook Saints, respectively, l might add.
Anyway, so Dropkick plays because I paid an ADDITIONAL $1.99 to skip the line, and my memory’s a little fuzzy from here on, but words were exchanged and honor demanded that another man be lifted bodily and hurled across the bar Roadhouse-style. The bartender called the authorities, and that’s how I ended up here on the sidewalk talking to you fine folks.
By the way, have you seen my thin blue line punisher tattoo? It’s not just a look, it’s a lifestyle. Nothing but respect for my boys in uniform. So you don’t need to keep reminding me that I have the right to remain silent with increasing force. You don’t need to be here at all!
The real enemy here, I think you’ll agree, is this establishment. They dished it out, but they couldn’t take it. Should have called the woke police, am I right? I’ll just be on my way, and I’ll see you all at mass tomorrow.