SAN FRANCISCO — Legendary thrash metal band Metallica announced that Kirk Hammett is to be the new lead guitarist after he successfully completed his 42-year probationary period, sources confirmed.
“I thought this day would never come,” Hammett commented. “I’ve been waiting for this announcement every day since I was 20 years old. Honestly, I’ve been a little worried ever since James and Lars told me we weren’t going to record any leads on ‘St. Anger’ back in 2003. I was convinced they weren’t going to let me in the band that day, but we ended up finishing that album, which I think is one of our best, without issue. I can’t wait to call my old buddies from Exodus to tell them the news. They’re not going to believe it!”
Metallica frontman James Hetfield thought it was finally time to make the decision.
“We weren’t so sure about Kirk when he first started playing with us, but he’s really come into his own in Metallica,” Hetfield provided while struggling to hold onto an armful of Armani bags from a recent shopping excursion. “If I’m being honest, Kirk’s first few performance reviews weren’t that great, and we considered parting ways with him shortly after we recorded ‘Master of Puppets.’ Then Cliff passed away and we didn’t want to have to look for a new guitarist as well as a bassist, so we just decided to stick with Kirk. It wasn’t until he approached me the other day asking for a professional reference for a job application to Best Buy that I realized we never made him an official member.”
Former Metallica guitarist Dave Mustaine was distraught to hear the news.
“What do you mean, I didn’t get the job?” Mustaine griped. “I just thought Kirk was an interim player until they gathered the guts to ask me to rejoin. I’ve really been pulling for him to not work out over the past four decades. I can play circles around Kirk, and I’ve showed that I can be in a band without getting kicked out for being obnoxious and unreliable. I don’t know what more the guys in Metallica could ask for. I guess I’ll just go back to playing in Megadeth, but that’s really been more of a backup plan than anything else.”
At press time, Jason Newsted was thinking of ending his sabbatical and returning to bass duties in Metallica.