RICHMOND — Devoted tradwife Becky Johanson was reportedly shocked with the amount of anal involved with the lifestyle, reported wide-eyed neighbors and friends.
“I was looking to connect with my husband, Trevor, on a deeper level, personally and spiritually. Honestly, I thought a tradwife just meant adhering to traditional gender roles in marriage, like doing laundry and washing dishes. I had no idea it also meant getting railed night after night from behind,” said Johanson while holding several unusually large homegrown eggplants. “After meeting with other tradwives in the area and getting to know their husbands very deeply, it was clear this was rampant in the community. It’s been three months and he thinks it’s really pulling us closer together, but I just wish I could have a couple weeks to let my anus recover from the constant cornholing.”
Johanson’s husband Trevor seemed unsure about the lifestyle, but appeared to have adjusted to the level of control he’s expected to levy on his wife.
“I didn’t really know what the fuck a tradewife was, and honestly I still don’t care what all the details are,” said Mr. Johanson while browsing the wives in the neighborhood directory. “Becky was going on and on about some shit she read online and suddenly I heard the phrase ‘she shall submit’ in the description and just thought, ‘hey, whatever my wife wants, she’s gonna fucking get it.’ I bust my ass down at the Home Depot and the least she can do is cook the meals, clean the house, raise the kids, and yes, three and half hours of butt stuff on a nightly basis. This is traditionally how couples did things according to the Bible, when men were men and women were women. At least that’s how I think they did it. I’ve never read that thing.”
Gregory Adams of the Family Foundation says the tradwife movement truly captures the essence of the Christian American family structure.
“This is about making communities stronger. It’s not just about the bond between a husband and his wife. It’s about strengthening the bond between a husband, his wife, her friends, her sisters, maybe the babysitter if everyone else is out of town,” said Adams while blacking out all the “F” curse words in his copy of ‘“The Handmaid’s Tale.” “It’s also important for men to connect with their friends on a higher level; too many men end up without a place to share feelings, but in the tradwife movement, they’ll have plenty to talk about with their buddies.
At press time, Mrs. Johanson also revealed that she had no idea that she’d have to post so much content about being a tradwife on Instagram and TikTok constantly as part of the stipulations.