NEW YORK — Perennially vogue indie group Interpol announced plans to finally remove their sunglasses after 28 years, confirmed sources who finally just got used to their slick on-stage look.
“For decades we’ve been a band with an impeccable fashion sense, so we figured it was about time to reveal our eyeballs to our fans,” said lead singer Paul Banks while putting on his “around the house” suit vest. “Besides, I haven’t been able to see a goddamn thing on stage since Obama was in office. Don’t worry, we are still going to be wearing our signature suits, so if you were wondering what we look like in t-shirts and shorts, you’re just going to have to wait until we are a little more comfortable being so vulnerable. That being said, we still plan on wearing our shades during summer when it’s sunny. However, the ties stay on at the beach regardless.”
Fans of the band couldn’t be more excited after the announcement.
“Finally, I’ll get to see if they actually have eyebrows. My friends and I have been debating that since we were kids,” said Interpol enthusiast Gina Vamillion. “Whenever I see them live, it’s like I’m watching a bunch of secret service agents play instruments. Sure, it looks cool as hell in the middle of ‘Untitled’ or ‘Obstacle 1’ but at some point I want to see some eyelashes and pupils. For all I know they haven’t had eyes this whole time. I was really starting to wonder about the facial structure of those guys, but this announcement should clear up all my questions.”
Experts weren’t too sure how this would affect the band’s image.
“Once a band nails down their iconic look, it’s very hard for them to successfully change course,” said music historian Ronnie Dengal. “KISS once famously took off their makeup and fans quickly realized they were nothing but talentless hacks. Red Hot Chili Peppers one day stopped wearing socks on their genitals and fans immediately felt slighted because it was the only thing the band had going for it. Not saying Interpol shedding their eyewear is equivalent, but history is not kind to bands that alter their fashion choices. As fans, we don’t want a diverse wardrobe. We want familiarity.”
At press time, Interpol also announced they would start wearing bifocal and progressive lenses, but not for stylistic purposes.
Photo by Raph_PH