Most people are satisfied with the humdrum routine of everyday life. For the average homebody, something as simple as switching to flavored coffee creamer or having period sex can bring on a dizzying rush of adrenaline, causing them to put down their New York Times crossword puzzle and ask themselves “What kind of goddamn daredevil am I?”
Some people, however, can only feel truly alive while performing death-defying activities. These cortisol-deficient, dopamine-starved thrill seekers are called adrenaline junkies, and they’re coming to a town near you to become skydive certified.
Self-proclaimed adrenaline junkie Julia Powell has been distressing her friends and family members since childhood with her risk-taking behaviors and “what’s the worst that could happen?” attitude. From base jumping to paragliding to drinking hard liquor on antidepressants, there’s nothing Powell won’t do to exacerbate her mother’s ulcer and send her father to an early grave.
It seemed like she’d done everything just short of playing Russian roulette to get that sweet release of epinephrine, but this daredevil had one more trick up her sleeve. In her latest and most perilous stunt to date, Powell plans to espouse, cohabitate and possibly even procreate with her most dangerous natural predator, a man. As if that’s not the most badass, dumb shit idea you’ve ever heard, hold onto your hat, because it gets worse.
“She’s going white water rafting on her honeymoon with the man who took out a life insurance policy on her,” said Rachel Brown, Powell’s closest friend. “This makes her cage diving expedition last year in the Mariana Trench look like a trip to fucking Build-A-Bear.”
Detractors of Powell’s latest suicide mission are quick to remind her that intimate partner violence is one of the leading causes of death for a woman. Concerned coworkers have even pointed out that men are responsible for the atom bomb, female circumcision, and probably one hundred percent of Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers, but these terrifying statistics have only piqued her interest.
“I was born with a devil on both shoulders,” said Powell. “Sleeping next to a man twice my size with little to no impulse control and a propensity for road rage is going to provide me with that surge of adrenaline I’ve been chasing my whole life. Just last week he threatened to burn the house down with me in it because he couldn’t put together a nightstand from Ikea. Now that’s a fucking rush.”