WASHINGTON — President Biden launched into immediate action to supply federal aid to the raging Los Angeles wildfire by sending a new $5 billion weapons package to Israel.
“Listen Jack, what’s happening in the beautiful city of Los Angeles right now is devastating. I remember the first time I visited LA. I was 26 and I met this really cool cat named Charlie down by the PCH but that’s a story for a different day. We need to focus on helping the people of Los Angeles recover, and to do that properly we need to make sure Israel can defend itself,” said Biden after the funeral service for former president Jimmy Carter. “If this fire continues to grow it could hop the Pacific Ocean, span across Asia, and cause immediate damage to our allies. With these weapons, they will be able to bomb the fire, and engage in tactical strikes in order to make sure the wildfire does not reach their border.”
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu applauded President Biden for his innovative approach to fighting wildfires contained in the continental United States.
“Our intelligence agency reports there is good evidence that Hamas is responsible for the brutal Santa Ana winds that caused this disaster. We are more than willing to bomb every hospital and school in the great Los Angeles area to help neutralize the threat,” said Netanyahu. “If we do not put an end to the threat of Hamas immediately they might be able to cause more natural disasters. Tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes, and even brutally cold winters are all the handiwork of Hamas leadership. We believe we can exterminate that threat if only we had a few billion more dollars given to us with no oversight on how it is spent.”
California Governor Gavin Newsom also supported President Biden’s plan for federal funds, but will be taking additional action as well.
“We need to pray for Los Angeles right now. These fires are a direct threat to many communities, but we also have to remember that unhoused individuals are often as dangerous as wildfires. That is why I’ll be redirecting resources to help law enforcement officials break up large encampments across the city,” said Newsom while posing in front of some smoldering brush. “I’ve spoken with the largest donors in the city and they all agree that we need to eradicate the homeless population as soon as possible, I think now is the perfect time to make that happen.”
At press time, Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass was entering her 16th hour of staring blankly without saying a word after being asked how she will handle the wildfire emergency.