SEATTLE – Christmas carolers and members of local black metal band Kirkeråte only reached three houses before succumbing to the urge to kill one another, mystified sources reported.
“It was our mission to invert the perverse faith of the Christians and convince them that they are helpless to the evil that pervades this dying planet,” gasped lead singer Tom Brafton as he was dying of multiple stab wounds at the hands of his drummer. “Such evil is channeled perfectly in our music, which provides the filth necessary to corrupt the purity of the Christ child that infects this neighborhood every holiday season. It’s unfortunate that the infighting over which of us is more ‘kvlt’ really came to a head while we were caroling. Our bassist Erik couldn’t get out of his shift at Wingstop to join us, so I at least hope he makes a necklace out of bits of my skull.”
Neighborhood resident Lisa Derlione was baffled at what she had witnessed.
“I could hear them from down at the end of my street, which is apparently where they had begun,” Derlione reported. “It was this really high-pitched shrieking that I found extremely unpleasant. In between the shrieking I could hear these guys audibly bickering about which of them ‘harbored more hatred for the Nazarene.’ I have no idea what that was about, but by the time they were next door their arguing had clearly devolved into violence. What’s crazy is the sound of them dying is the exact same as the sound of them singing.”
HOA Board Member Jamal Stelnick offered his insight on the situation.
“The minutes from our last meeting made it explicitly clear that all metal bands were forbidden from caroling this Christmas,” Stelnick said angrily. “After all the chaos that resulted in past years, we decided on an ‘only clean singing’ rule that would preclude all of the baggage that comes with extreme caroling. We only just finished cleaning up all the beer and vomit littering the sidewalks after the thrash metal caroling debacle from last year. And I thought I had my hands full with all these decorations that aren’t up to specifications.”
At press time, a new group of pop punk frontmen decided to resume the caroling, seeing as how they had to travel door-to-door to notify residents of their presence in the neighborhood anyway.