So you’re broke, it’s almost Christmas, and you forgot to buy gifts for everyone. Great news! Turns out that show you’re at right now is a perfect one-stop shop.
“But I can’t afford merch!” you’re saying. Of course you can’t! Let the suckers buy up the $40 t-shirts. With these genius free gifts, we guarantee your family and friends will be in awe as they exclaim things like, “Huh?”, “Kinda gross”, “Dude, did you steal this from the show last night?”, and “You idiot, you know there are security cameras there, right?”
Duct tape
Let’s start with an easy stocking stuffer! Snag a whole roll from the stage between sets. Maybe even two rolls — one for your dad’s basement workshop, and one for your girlfriend’s nightstand. If that’s too much work, just peel off a few pieces of tape wherever you can and stick them together until they look like something. Anything.
Glass
Another no-brainer. Don’t even rinse them — let that fragrant beer and spit residue give your lucky recipient a full sensory experience. And if there aren’t any real glasses at the show? Santa is totally cool with plastic cups, too. The clock is ticking, and Santa doesn’t have all day here. Cheers!
Sign
Now, a show poster is obviously ideal, but let’s broaden our horizons. That fire marshal certificate stating that occupancy by more than 250 persons is unlawful? Boom, Merry Christmas to your artsy friend who will ponder its deep meaning. The damp cardboard scrawled with “Toilet clogged, do not use” taped to a stall door? Also a great gift. You ingenious elf!
Bassist’s water bottle
Come on, he’s not working that hard. He doesn’t need to hydrate and everyone hates him. Splurge alternative: Didn’t your cousin say his band needed a bassist? Steal this loser AND his water.
Really big speaker
We admit it, this gift requires a lot more effort and there’s a decent chance you’ll get caught. But you owe your roommate big time after the “BBQ incident” this summer, and a solid subwoofer could go a long way. Hopefully by the time the venue goes dark because you pulled the wrong cord, you’ll already be scurrying out the side door.
The column right behind the pit
All right, time to go big or go home. Be the king of Kwanzaa, the hero of Hanukkah, and maybe the cause of a catastrophic building collapse. Imagine the look on your mom’s face when you tell her how you lovingly knocked that column down yourself, bit by bit, as everyone evacuated the venue and the cop car sirens grew louder. Besides, it always blocked people’s view of the stage, so everyone should be grateful it’s gone.
The band’s album
Kidding! Don’t you dare. Stealing from an artist would be downright immoral. Just go home and send a link to the album on Spotify. You still didn’t have to spend any money, and now you’re helping a massive company steal from the band instead. Problem solved!