The holidays are back once again and many feel the urgent community responsibility of purchasing their loved one’s gifts from local, neighborhood stores even though they are all basically full of shit that nobody wants. To make matters even tougher during a time when many of us are already financially struggling, most of the items are so overly marked up that shoppers are put in a “double bind” of paying higher prices for gifts they’re 98% sure their friends and family won’t even like.
With the understanding that a lot of local neighborhood shops are overblown vanity projects for rich kids, tax breaks for heirs, and a productive way for well-off retirees to spend their free time and 401K payouts, we here at The Hard Times understand that not all small business owners and retail buyers are exactly in touch, so to say, with their fingers on the pulse of what consumers actually want this holiday season. Therefore, we’ve put together a guide on how to actually support these small businesses, despite them being full of shit that nobody actually wants.
Remember the street cred you’ll receive:
Keep in mind that most of us are exhausted this time of year, so many utilize services like Amazon Prime or superstores like Target or Walmart to purchase gifts and have them delivered straight to their door hassle free. The fact that you picked out a crafty gift with a questionable level of taste at a local small business not only means that you physically went out shopping to hand select the item yourself, but you also paid approximately 40% more than anyone else because of the outrageous markups applied to the items. Once the gift is opened, however ugly, any and all who phoned in their gift by slapping a curly ribbon on a bottle of wine will bow their heads in shame for not making the extra effort.
Consider all the extra cardio you’ll get:
While shopping at local, neighborhood businesses, you might find yourself turning an item over in your hands while saying: “What the hell is this?” followed by: “They want how much for this?!” causing you to carefully place the item back down and slowly back away. The problem is, you may have to circle the store many times to find anything that’s even halfway decent to give as a gift. Often, you will have to visit several stores in vain just to end up returning to the initial establishment you started at, tumultuously deliberating between a stapler shaped like a dachshund and a vase resembling a woman’s rear end. This deliberation process will often burn hundreds of calories as you scour the dusty shelves of several shops in search of something… anything that isn’t so embarrassing to leave under the tree that the recipient doesn’t immediately assume it’s a gag gift.
Utilize the long, slow, wide-eyed nod:
When purchasing and/or handing over a gift that you know is kind of tacky or crappy, be sure to make eye contact with the cashier or recipient and do the long, slow, nod while saying, “It’s from a local business in my neighborhood, I’m sure they’ll/you’re going to love it! It’s important to support businesses that are local, especially these days, in this economy.” Everyone knows that all too familiar, loaded, and somewhat delusional nod as a cue to ask no further questions and accept the circumstance at hand. They will feel so awkward from being thoroughly guilt tripped, no comments will be made about how nobody really wants a t-shirt that says: “Oh Kale No!” They’ll pretend to love it, while discreetly checking to see if there’s a gift receipt somewhere in the packaging.
Stay within a budget, but do not correlate price to value:
In circumstances like these, it’s always good to be mindful of not going over budget, but do keep in mind that items found at local, neighborhood stores are rarely worth the asking price. If $20 is your gifting budget, for example, you probably won’t get more than a pair of socks with avocados on them, but that’s still way better than the $40 Golden Girls coaster set or a $70 dream catcher made by some girl who hangs at the neighborhood dive bar named Hannah. Consider it as a sort of parallel dimension where cost has absolutely no correlation to value and the more you spend, well, nobody really cares, but you’ll sleep well at night knowing you supported a local, neighborhood business.
Remember that regifting is always an option:
The holidays are a singular annual occasion, but always keep in mind that most individuals have to give several birthday presents and even white elephant gifts throughout the course of each year. Therefore, if they don’t care for the gift you’ve given them utilizing the long, slow, eye contact heavy nod, (see #3) they can always stash it away with the intention of regifting it to someone else. Who would have the nerve to ask where that tacky gift is that you got them last Christmas the next time they come over? They absolutely would not dare. They can then also use that same long, slow nod, explaining it’s from a local neighborhood business in order to guilt trip their friends and family into strained gratitude, which is especially effective for giving gifts to folks you don’t really care for, or want to be around.