It’s Monday. Your co-worker has a lot to tell you about their weekend, and pretty soon you feel yourself wanting to exclaim each payment detail from their Venmo exchanges over the weekend just to get the conversation closer to the end. Why? Because you have essentially been cyber-stalking them on Venmo for reasons even you do not fully understand.
Just through observation of transactions you can witness relationships bloom and die, friendships turn from excited to formal, drug deals go wrong, drug deals go right. I’ve witnessed humanity and cruelty in the same breath, through a single comment. It’s powerful stuff, and sometimes when you are handed power like that it’s impossible not to abuse it. Here are some tips to feign interest in what your coworker has to say as if you haven’t been compulsively piecing together every minute detail of their lives during bathroom breaks for some reason.
Try to stay away from specifics
Perhaps your co-worker brings up their mom. This, depending on your mood, can be a tempting time to drop the fact that you know she pays their rent every month by disguising each payment with a cheeky kiss emoji. You might even want to mention that you know she only uses that emoji after “can u not???” was commented on her “NOVEMBER RENT HONEY I LOVE YOU OKAY HONEY” payment. No bother. That’s none of your business, or my business, and for some reason it’s public?
If they bring up their friends, don’t start reciting their last names in alphabetical order
This seems like an obvious one, but sometimes instinct kicks in. You never know what you may have retained in the depths of your mind, and what might pour out unbeknownst to you. Sometimes it might feel like it wouldn’t be weird to just fess up and tell them: “I’ve looked over all your transactions for the weekend, I hope you had fun with Becca during your GALS NIGHT at Six Flags. Was the hot dog good? I was salivating in bed last night at the thought of it.” But you shouldn’t do that, it’s not what the app is for…they say.
Keep the dissociation to a minimum
Sometimes when you hear frivolous information that you already learned from your retina burning doom scroll the night before, it’s normal to start to space out. It’s okay to have a moment lost in time and space, gluing your eyes to the middle of their eyebrows and not blinking for over 30 seconds, but you better snap out of it. Your disinterest could lead to someone spreading water cooler lies about you.
Smile and nod
At the end of the day, this is what it’s all about. Portraying a chill, laid-back exterior so that your co-worker isn’t intimidated (scared) by your technological prowess – or OCD tendencies, depending on who you’re talking to. Ultimately, to be born in the time of Venmo is a curse none of us asked for. I don’t think anyone wants to click on a comment, have questions about the tone and thus relationship, and immediately find said commenters’ Facebook account, kicking off a deep dive into their family tree starting with Meemaw that won’t end until 2:37am. Alas, here we are. So, again dear reader: When in doubt, smile and nod.