WASHINGTON — A newly leaked Project 2025 memo revealed a recent revision that would restrict nearly all forms of birth control, with the only approved Godly exception being “watching an old man vigorously tongue down an ice cream cone,” sources confirmed.
“The Bible is explicitly clear about all forms of contraception being a sin, with one notable exception where a senior male member of the community is present while you attempt intercourse. He’ll then proceed to go biblical on an ice cream cone with his dry, swollen tongue, and if after witnessing this creamy tongue lashing you still wish to procreate, you have the Lord’s blessing to create new life,” said Project 2025 architect Russell Vought. “We used to keep a picture of my hero Henry Kissinger tongue-punching a froyo above our marital bed to keep us chaste, but nine kids later, well let’s just say he’s not the only one regularly orchestrating occupations where he’s not wanted.”
Local priest Bernard McCaffrey reportedly supports the near-total birth control ban, and reaffirmed his church’s commitment to the “Ice Cream Cone Exemption.”
“We understand that carnal temptation is a struggle for many young people, but our clergy is always here to help. If you don’t have access to an old man sloppily licking a vanilla ice cream cone while a little bit dribbles down his wrinkled chin, our congregation has numerous volunteers that are happy to provide assistance for your abstinence needs,” said McCaffrey, wiping rocky road from his jowls. “If I can stop just one young couple from engaging in premarital sin by looming over their bed while taking a half-melted drumstick to tongue town, I know I’ll have done my holy duty.”
Religious scholar Clarence Goodwright claimed that elder community members eating messy foods as a form of birth control has precedence in the Bible.
“You ever wonder why Adam and Eve spent all that time in the Garden of Eden and never copulated? There was a third old guy, Maurice, that was always hanging around. Of course ice cream wasn’t around at that time, but the texts would suggest that he’d just lick whipped honey off an apple all day to keep them from fornicating,” said Goodwright, blowing dust off an old parchment. “Turns out Maurice must have been the most legendary tongue merchant this side of Solomon and his 700 wives because he made that apple look too good, and Adam proceeded to take a whole darn bite and doom us for all eternity.”
At press time, Project 2025 released plans that would require a priest licking raspberry jam out of a jar present for any discussion between a woman and their healthcare provider about reproductive health.