WASHINGTON — House minority leader and top Democrat Hakeem Jeffries asked Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu if they are “still friends” following Donald Trump’s presidential election victory, confirmed sources.
“We’re a match made in friendship heaven, like Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart or the Joker and Two-Face. Most foreign policy plutonic love is so superficial in today’s world––folks bond over, what? Music? Hobbies? Lifestyles? We actually came together over real shit, like our shared interests in blowing shit up in parts of the world where we don’t live,” said Jefferies while carving “Democrats + Netanyahu” in a nearby tree. “But look, even if we can’t continue this little thing of ours, you have to know that the Dems are always in their corner. We’ll always be in their life. Even just as acquaintances, who can get nostalgic over supplying the bombs to take down a group of school children and hospitals. I just hope we still receive a Christmas card from them this year.”
Prime Minister Netanyahu believed the relationship would be different with Trump returning to office.
“I won’t say friendship is off the table. But it simply won’t be the same unless they can somehow still send us billions of dollars wrapped in a neat little bow every few months that’s personalized with a handwritten message,” Netanyahu explained. “In Israel, we admittedly admire the Democrats’ remarkable ability to use their pull to help foreign powers in need. On some level, we will always be partners in war crimes. But there comes a time in all politcal regimes’ lives where they have to come to terms with the fact that they can no longer fund our wars, in which case we can remain acquaintances who sometimes see each other on the weekends at a mutual friend’s international party.”
Experts believe that foreign relationships suffer as a result of a loss in political advantages.
“Most friendships among powerful figures are strictly transactional in nature,” said political strategist Lucy Fallweather. “In this case, Israel gets the funding they need to be the sole driver of genocide and the Democrats get to look like they’re not anti-semitic. You can squeeze a ton of capital out of the left if you just prey on their need to look sanctimonious, even if most of the time they fall on their face as a result. It’s like they never learn.”
At press time, Jeffries was seen making a mixtape for Netanyahu with his favorite songs in hopes of rekindling the friendship.