WASHINGTON — America’s longstanding symbol of freedom, the bald eagle, was replaced by the Costco rotisserie chicken as the official national bird, after a swift and unanimous bipartisan vote, salivating sources on Capitol Hill confirmed.
“Republicans and Democrats reached across the aisle to get this historic bill passed and grab a second helping,” Speaker of the House Mike Johnson said, deboning a drumstick. “Effective immediately, images of the Costco rotisserie chicken will replace the bald eagle on everything, everywhere, across America. This includes our great seal, government letterhead, quarters, Desert Storm t-shirts, and Air Force One, the plane and the film. I already covered up my bald eagle tramp stamp with a sweet rotisserie chicken backpiece, and even the greatest rock band of all time, The Eagles, have agreed to change their name. Well, everyone except that libtard Joe Walsh.”
Lifelong Costco shopper and retired bus driver Denise Jacaruso was emotionally overcome by the news.
“Hand to heart, I’ve never been prouder to be a card-carrying Costco member, or an American,” Jacaruso pledged. “What’s the big to-do about eagles anyway? They taste terrible! The rotisserie chicken, on the other hand, feeds my family of 11 multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day. All for the inflation-proof price of $4.99. I even reuse the thermal ziplock bag it comes in as my daily tote. Not only is the Costco rotisserie chicken edible, it’s sustainable, and now, salutable!”
Tanya Erb, Director of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, applauds the decision but has concerns.
“Listen, we’ve been kicking ass on the eagle’s behalf for long enough,” Erb said. “Countless man hours and taxpayer dollars were wasted saving those ungrateful shitbirds from extinction when honestly, they deserved to die off. Why? They’re apex assholes. Aggressive. Hate humans. And yeah I’ll say it…they ugly. But the Costco rotisserie chicken? That is one sexy bird. I’d give my left tit for a thigh right now. But protecting them is a whole different animal. They’re sitting ducks under those heat lamps, and Costco shoppers are absolute vultures. So I’m gonna do whatever it takes to make sure this isn’t the chicken’s swansong, or else my goose is cooked!”
At press time, the White House also revealed plans to make the American flag a scannable QR code, good for one dollar off at any KFC purchase, but restrictions and exclusions may apply.