Gen Xers will always remember where they were on 9/11, the fall of the Berlin Wall, and the day they found out Kurt Cobain was killed by Courtney Love, who then went on a murder spree of famous grunge singers. More recently, Gen X will never forget the first time they couldn’t get it up. For those in this generation who still don’t want to be labeled, we can’t just call them impotent or sexually washed up. That’s why we are here to help.
If we know anything about Generation X, the more obscure you go with your cultural references, the more emotionally and physically aroused they will become, which should be enough to jump start their private parts. That being said, here are the top 30 lesser known Nirvana songs doctors have been prescribing men of a certain age to cure their lack of erections. (Listen to the playlist, click here)
30. Curmudgeon
This Nirvana track was first tested on Gen X lab rats. In rodent years, that is about 15 months old. Regardless, after just one listen to “Curmudgeon,” the vermin fucked everything in sight, and then a few days later started smoking cigarettes and wearing those cool white sunglasses just like Kurt. This is how influential this band was.
29. Very Ape
The late Steve Albini famously produced “In Utero.” Steve was technically a Boomer and it was well-documented that he never once had an erection while recording this album, proving that Nirvana-inspired hard-ons only affect the generation that Boomers probably still contemptuously refer to as “slackers.”
28. Old Age
The history of this track is a little murky. It appears to be a Hole song that was written by Kurt with lyrics later penned by Courtney Love, but at one point Nirvana also recorded for themselves. This is confusing. We need to know exactly who to credit all these boners to.
27. Radio Friendly Unit Shifter
Sure, back-end “In Utero” tracks can help get you rock solid, but unfortunately you’ll also have to counteract that sudden arousal by doing that trick where you think about Pearl Jam during sex to avoid premature ejaculation. Thankfully, ’90s grunge has a variety of uses.
26. Verse Chorus Verse
If you’re going to forego the pharmaceutical drug route in favor of a more Nirvana-friendly approach, you’ll have to exercise extreme caution. Side effects may include having an erection that lasts longer than the entire three disc, one DVD “With the Lights Out” box set.
25. Hairspray Queen
The bassline is unhinged, the guitar riffs are incoherent, and Kurt sounds like someone is stepping on his pinky toe the whole time. Surprisingly, this is all a Gen Xer needs to successfully copulate in the wild.
24. Marigold
“Marigold” is more of a solo Dave Grohl song since he wrote and sung this one. Some hypothesize that pre “Everlong” Foo Fighters might also help Gen X with their flaccid dicks. However, tests are still in early trial stages and are not yet FDA-approved.
23. (New Wave) Polly
Regular “Polly” just won’t do the trick. If we want the 50-year-olds to have sex for hours on end, they need to dial it up with the peppier version. That’s why we don’t recommend anything off “Unplugged in New York.” Doesn’t go hard enough.
22. Moist Vagina
Kurt was often criticized for writing cryptic lyrics that didn’t seem to make any sense. However, the original title of this track is “Moist Vagina And Then She Blew Him Like He’s Never Been Blown, Brains Stuck All Over the Wall” and 75% of it is him screaming “Marijuana.” It somehow makes less sense knowing all this. But whatever, penises do not care about lyrical clarity.
21. Return of the Rat
The further you dig into Nirvana’s back catalog, the more realize their ability to cover songs was elite. If anything, they were the best cover band of all time. Many medical practitioners will frequently prescribe the Wipers version of this song followed by Nirvana’s and just let the erections fly.
20. Scentless Apprentice
If you are not fully erect and ready to wield your penis around like a sword after the first five seconds of Dave Grohl’s hypnotic opening drumming here, can you even call yourself a limp Gen Xer?
19. Love Buzz
“Love Buzz” was Nirvana’s debut single, which just so happened to be another one of their rewarding covers that was superior to the original. While it’s nice to see scientists discover obscure Nirvana tracks to treat erectile dysfunction, they also need to study how this band got so proficient at performing other groups’ songs better than them.
18. Milk It
Sometimes even a licensed physician screaming the words “doll steak” and “test meat” during a routine physical is enough to jumpstart a Gen Xer’s genital region. Hey, whatever works.
17. Pen Cap Chew
Not even Dave Grohl knows about this one since he wasn’t in the band yet. Think of “Pen Cap Chew” like his secret family to his “Smell Like Teen Spirit” primary household. If hidden affairs can get Dave off, surely “Pen Cap Chew” can for you.
16. Son of a Gun
Erectile dysfunction can be caused by heart issues, lack of sleep, and vitamin deficiencies. But we’ve only recently discovered that it’s mainly a direct result of low Nirvana intake. Be sure to get in your daily dose of “the ones they didn’t play on the radio” when you’re in the mood to plow.
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