MASSAPEQUA, N.Y. — Families with young children across the country announced their plans to find you in a restaurant and sit at an adjacent table while each member watches something irritating at full volume, sources who may never leave their house again report.
“As a proud representative of every family in America who can’t seem to hold a conversation with their loved ones in public places, I’d like to declare our intentions of finding you having a nice quiet night out at your favorite place to eat and sitting right next to you while all of us remain silent and blast the worst kind of content we can find,” said Cheryl Lamondala over the din of a TikTok makeup tutorial playing on her phone. “We’ll be any place you go from a shitty Applebee’s to a five-star restaurant and we’ll be bringing our devices as well as our complete lack of situational awareness. See you soon!”
Some say they are confused why every family in America feels the need to do this and question why they are even bothering to go out at all.
“I took my girlfriend to a nice romantic spot for dinner we love to go to and were having a great time when suddenly this family of four sits right next to us and immediately breaks out all their iPads, Nintendo Switches, and Amazon Fires without even talking to each other,” said Matt Burton. “One kid was playing some kind of game on a tablet while the other one watched cartoons with the mom scrolling through Instagram Reels and the dad watching a baseball game. Couldn’t they have just gotten DoorDash and stayed at home and just made each other miserable in their own home?”
Local restaurateur Chris Santiago says he has noticed an uptick in the amount of annoying families visiting his establishment but has plans on how to help manage the situation.
“Yes, we get these kinds of families in here all the time and as terrible as they are, they currently make up about seventy-percent of our revenue so we can’t really say anything to them and risk losing business,” said Santiago. “So instead of letting them know that they are bothering the other customers we’ve just given all of our waitstaff megaphones so that they are able to take orders over the shrill cacophony of everyone’s phones playing some bullshit.”
At press time, every family in America also released a statement saying they will be sitting right behind you on a long-distance flight as their youngest child kicks the back of your seat and the parents pretend not to notice while arguing with each other.