CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa — Local man Vincent Metcalf quit his longtime dream of becoming a con artist to become a con accountant, confirmed sources who were sad to see someone with that much talent go to waste.
“Let’s be honest, in today’s economy, I have to be a bit more practical if I want to get by and the money you make from con artistry is just too unpredictable,” said Metcalf. “Plus, there aren’t any benefits. If someone was to beat the ever-living shit out of me after they caught me scamming them, I’d be in big trouble financially. I need something more stable. Con accounting seems to be just that. All I need to do is fudge a few numbers on an Excel file and cook a few books, and I’ll still get a similar thrill. On top of that I’ll get a 401(k) that I will funnel right into my side hustle of con woodworking where I will sell my stuff on Etsy and only use pics that aren’t representative of the amateur product.”
Peer con artist Jenn Pilster was disappointed to see her friend give up on his dreams.
“Vinny had a real knack for swindling unsuspecting rubes,” said Pilster before conning 20 bucks off of a nearby 85-year-old woman. “Sure, he was a struggling con artist, but we do this for the love of the craft, not the monetary compensation. Hell, even the most famous con artist Vincent ‘Scam’ Gogh didn’t get financially rewarded for his work until after he passed away. It’s rough out there con artisans. From time to time, I even think of selling out and becoming one of those MLM pyramid scheme people. At least that way, I’d have some dignity.”
Kevin Metcalf was proud to see his son be a bit more level-headed in his career.
“After he attended con artist school in the streets of Iowa, I always tried to drill into him that he needs a backup plan,” said the father of three. “We wanted him to be a con doctor or a con firefighter, but we’ll settle for a con accountant, if it means he can afford a roof over his head. His grandfather was one of the greatest con lawyers the court system had ever seen, so we are happy to see him kind of following in his footsteps.”
At press time, Metcalf felt extremely scammed himself after seeing his student loan payment balance from attending accounting school.