WINNIPEG, Manitoba — Local Weakerthans fan Graham Neal is reportedly unable to extend his performance in the bedroom by using the classic “just think about baseball” trick, confirmed anonymous totally non-girlfriend sources.
“I know for a fact I’m not the only guy in the world who is a quick finisher, there are entire messageboards dedicated to tips to help a person last longer. The problem is one of the most popular methods is a bust for me,” said Neal. “For example, one night I was watching ‘Moneyball’ with a group of college friends and I realized baseball is something that actually gets my motor running more than you might expect. As soon as they started talking about recreating players in the aggregate, I had to stand up and slowly leave the room. The only other time I’ve been nearly that excited was attending a John K. Samson poetry reading.”
Isabela Vega, Neal’s longtime girlfriend, was able to confirm this report.
“Oh yeah, the baseball thing is certainly not going to slow him down. If I’m being honest, though, this really comes up more for me than him. If anything, Graham can be a little overly sensitive in the heat of the moment, always asking how I’m doing, making sure I’m having a good time,” said Vega. “It’s sweet, but sometimes I just want to hit it and quit it so I can get back to watching some Housewives. So if I’m in the mood for a quickie, I just whisper a fantasy baseball stat in his ear and it’s a wrap! The National League WHIP leader always gets it done.”
Relationship counselor and local professor Elliot Cassidy who, coincidentally, was a longtime touring member of The Weakerthans has seen instances like these countless times.
“I’ve certainly encountered this with a few clients. If they ever give me that look like they kind of recognize me, I know this one is going to come up,” said Cassidy. “I’ve got my own trick, though. If I see that little glimmer of fandom and the ‘lasting longer’ topic comes up, I give them a new trick: imagine a radio hit with prosaic lyrics. Nothing turns off a Weakerthans fan like boring literal songwriting. A lack of metaphor is basically picturing your grandma naked to them.”
At press time, Vega realized fantasy baseball wasn’t working fast enough this time, so she brought out the big guns, which meant a curling reference.