LOS ANGELES — An astounding display of skill and expertise was observed today as local punk sommelier Evan Weaver correctly guessed the month the milk in his fridge went sour, confirmed amazed sources.
“It really just boils down to experience,” remarked Evan, as he wiped yellow, sludgy milk from his unkempt mustache. “Once you’ve tasted sour milk as many times as I have, you start to pick up on the subtleties between the different stages of spoiling. For example, this particular glass had a strong note of lactic acid on the top, and a distinct, lumpy mouth feel. I took one swig and immediately I knew, March 2023. That was a fantastic month for milk, there was a heat wave in L.A. and our fridge went out for a few days, which gave the milk a certain ‘je ne sais quoi.’”
Weaver’s roommate Leanna Holder believes his unique abilities will never cease to defy her expectations.
“The guy’s just an absolute wizard,” said Holder, as she ate only the bruised parts of a banana. “He can get one whiff of my chair and he knows exactly how long I’ve neglected to wash my underwear. Incredible stuff. I’ve been trying to get him to share some of his endless knowledge with me lately. He’s been showing me the best ways to spoil milk to get that perfect, crispy top. He also gave me this interesting factoid: Apparently, it’s only considered spoiled milk if it comes from the dumpster behind the Food 4 Less. Everything else is technically sparkling yogurt.”
The spoiled-food connoisseur’s boyfriend Brian Franco unfortunately does not share the same enthusiasm for Weaver’s talents.
“Frankly, I find it disgusting,” sighed Franco, with a clothespin clamped over his nostrils. “Why couldn’t I have just found a guy with a normal hobby? He thinks I don’t notice when he comes stumbling home in the wee hours of the morning, absolutely reeking of old dairy. He comes up with all kinds of excuses, but I can tell he’s been out all night ‘sampling.’ It’s definitely started to put a strain on the relationship. He claims his heightened senses can tell him exactly which of my exes I’m fantasizing about while we’re having sex, but that’s because I’m always blurting out their names. I don’t really think he should be allowed to take credit for that.”
At press time, Weaver was spotted in the kitchen having trouble distinguishing between the salt and sugar.