LOS ANGELES – Casual Tool fan Chris Miller is perplexing scientists around the world with his ability to listen to the progressive rock band without celebrating their entire catalog to the point of being an insufferable douche, and has been captured for further research by the medical community.
“Their early stuff is alright, but I don’t think they really came into their own until ‘Ænima,’” suggested Miller as a multitude of electrodes were affixed to various pressure points on his body. “‘Lateralus’ is pretty dope too. I’ll listen to those two albums back to back on my annual cross-country road trip back home for the holidays. I love it when the songs get really soft and contemplative, only for the drums to build up and go POW! Then the fat riff comes in, and it’s freakin’ epic. I don’t really know much about that Fibonacci stuff, but I appreciate the attention to detail that goes into their songs, even if it’s way over my head sometimes.”
Dimitrius Van Leamer, head researcher at the Undertow Academy on 46 and 2nd Street believes he’s captured a unicorn that could jeopardize the integrity of Tool’s die-hard fanbase.
“I just don’t get it,” said Van Leamer as he polished the calipers on his state-of-the-art polyrhythmic libido detector. “See that petri dish over there? That’s full of Chris’ semen specimen. Normally, the intro to ‘Ticks & Leeches’ would make that sucker blow out like a carelessly stored bottle of 2019 Caduceus Nagual de la Naga, but I’m barely seeing any movement at all. I fear that if we can’t figure out why he thinks ‘Fear Inoculum’ is ‘kind of mid,’ then we’ll all be swimming in the Arizona Bay as we welcome the end times before we know it.”
Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan weighed in on the research, but doesn’t have much to say.
“I literally don’t give a fuck,” asserted Keenan without breaking his concentration from his game of Giant Jenga as the rest of the band agonized over what one chord they wanted to vamp on for 128 measures. “He already bought the albums, and only regularly listens to a couple of them? No skin off my dick. He can use them as fucking drink coasters for all I care.”
At press time, Miller was found soaked in sweat and passed out in the “10,000 days” edging chamber.