ALBANY, N.Y. — Local woman Andrea Wellson is reportedly considering a risky and in-depth plan to commit identity theft to spare herself from having to go to the DMV after losing her driver’s license, sources confirmed.
“I lost my entire fucking wallet last week,” said a visibly frazzled and manic Wellson. “There is no way in hell I’m about to go through the hassle of replacing every single credit card, every single piece of identification in there–I’d rather actually die. Have you ever been to the DMV around here? I can’t do that. It’s probably way easier for me to plumb the depths of the Dark Web to concoct and execute a very elaborate identity theft grift. I’m thinking the best way to start is to start making AI-generated robocalls to old people. Or like, rich or evil old people, just to make it a little more palatable, ethically speaking.”
Wellson’s partner, Julia Ion, weighed in on her potential schemes.
“The only reason I’m not dumping her immediately is because I know at the end of the day, I’ll just physically drag her to the DMV and take her out for a coffee after, and it’ll be fine,” lamented Ion. “But Jesus fucking Christ, this is the fourth replacement license she’s had this year alone. I don’t know how many more insane gambits she can come up with before she realizes she just needs to buy a goddamn wallet chain.”
A spokesman from the FBI provided critical expert insight into situations like Wellson’s.
“Now I’m not sure what I’m legally allowed to share, but I will say this: the number-one cause of identity theft isn’t anything like blatant monetary greed or other malicious motivators by petty criminals, no. It’s actually people like Ms. Wellson who just really, really don’t want to deal with bureaucracy,” said Special Agent Dane Collier. “There is truly no motivator like avoiding an hours-long line and filling out paperwork. The only reason we haven’t addressed this phenomenon more publicly is because honestly, we kind of get where these would-be thieves are coming from.”
At press time, Ion was seen purchasing Wellson a set of Apple AirTags for her upcoming birthday.