MINNEAPOLIS — Mike Curry, a local father and devoted straight-edge punk, resorted to unconventional means after discovering his son had been using marijuana, horrified sources report.
“I was disgusted,” said Curry. “Jesse came home, and it was clear he was not of sound mind. I could smell the jazz cigarettes all over him. I did what any reasonable edge father would do and conducted a full search and found the evidence. As someone who follows a lifestyle free from drugs and alcohol, I knew I had to teach him a lesson. So, I ordered a webcast of that night’s Phish concert, and forced him to sit through the entire thing. If he thinks smoking weed is all fun and games, he’ll learn the hard way that there’s a price to pay.”
However, the teen struggled to find the meaning in his father’s punishment.
“For a group of guys who look my grandpa’s age, they could really play,” the younger Curry admitted. “I didn’t understand how my dad thought this was such a bad punishment. After a little over an hour, they had left the stage, and I figured I did my time. But then, my dad started maniacally laughing and said, ‘Where are you going? This show’s not over… it’s only the set-break! It’s not even halfway over!’ I was stunned. I watched in awe as two hours later, the crowd was dancing like they were at a rave during a song that sounded like it would be played on a Christian rock station. After the show, my dad started to lecture me about how I would wind up just like that crowd if I kept smoking. Honestly, I still didn’t understand what he meant, but I told him I learned my lesson just to finally shut him up.”
Dr. Natasha Rosa, a parental discipline expert, weighed in on the unconventional punishment.
“Parents need to strike a balance when it comes to punishments. While it’s important to address the issue of drug use seriously, the punishment should also fit the crime and promote understanding,” said Dr. Rosa. “In this case, forcing a teenager to sit through an entire Phish concert, including an interlude where a 60-year-old man in a donut-covered mumu sucks on a vacuum cleaner, might be seen as cruel and unusual punishment. The goal should be to educate and guide, not to create lifelong trauma.”
At press time, it was reported that Jesse was planning to attend the nearest Phish concert to attempt to obtain higher-quality weed and try nitrous.