It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday, which is the time of the week I get particularly randy. My name is Bob Powell, and I have the esteemed pleasure of being immortalized in Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” as the guy making love to his tonic & gin. The readers of The Hard Times have submitted many questions, so let’s get right to them.
Q: Why did you call it a “tonic & gin” instead of a “gin & tonic”?
A: This was in the phase of my life when I was trying to coin new ways to say common phrases. For example, I referred to a ham & cheese sandwich as a “cheese ham and sandwich.” None of these caught on, everyone in my life hated it, and I ended up very alone.
Q: How does one “make love” to a cocktail?
A: Ah, my favorite question. It is actually a very involved process. On that particular night, I was served my cocktail in a particularly wide highball glass. So to get the proper pressure and friction, I had to wrap my firm dong in my ballsack much like a bun wraps a hotdog. You then take this bunned sausage and jam it into the glass while screaming “TONIC AND GIN! TONIC AND GIN!” I do my best to keep time with the rhythm of whatever song is playing but the drink is so cold that all caution quickly goes to the wind. Since a proper gin & tonic has plenty of ice, you only have a few seconds to mash your turgid dong in and out before everything goes south.
Q: Have you received any money for being the inspiration of “Piano Man?”
A: No, we muses fuel art but are abandoned once the art starts making money. Girlies, who can relate? Not only do I not get royalties, Billy Joel has never come back to the club. Most people don’t after they see me pork my drink.
Q: According to the song, you were an old man in 1973. How are you still alive?
A: Perverts like me exist outside of time and place. We do not conform to the limitations of the human body; we have transcended such boundaries. We will always be with you, near you, whenever you need help.
Q: Are you still a Billy Joel fan?
A: Never was. I prefer Ronnie Radke.