MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Greg Johannssen claims it’s too early in the year for Starbucks to release pumpkin spice flavored drinks despite the fact his refrigerator is already fully stocked with Oktoberfest beers, sources close to the situation confirmed.
“Every year they start this shit earlier and earlier! It’s hot enough for my balls to stick to my leg, so why is Starbucks acting like we’re supposed to be cavorting through apple orchards in tweed jackets with pumpkin spice lattes in hand? This is the time of year for refreshing beverages like the Oktoberfest lagers like the ones taking up my entire basement fridge, those never go out of style,” said Johannssen. “Last I checked, pumpkin spice should be hitting mid-October at best. The brown nectar of the gods that are Oktoberfest beers can be enjoyed any time, and the fact I go feral every time the local breweries roll them out doesn’t change the fact that seasonal food should be timed with the actual seasons.”
Johannssen’s girlfriend has taken the brunt of his ranting despite calling him out numerous times.
“Nobody has to convince me to buy pumpkin spice anything, but I guess Greg has some strong opinions about my pumpkin spice little treat because he’s been going on about the sanctity of the seasons for hours now. But this is also the same guy who left in the middle of my niece’s baptism because he found out his favorite brewery dropped his favorite mäzen lager,” said Katie Lee. “How can he think getting blackout drunk on Oktoberfest beers on a Wednesday afternoon is more acceptable than one flavored coffee? At least he’s not into IPA’s or I’d have definitely left him by now.”
The Starbucks marketing team pointed out that they’d have to be instance to not lean into pumpkin spice as early as possible.
“Oh it’s absolutely true we’re pushing pumpkin spice products slightly earlier each year, because we make a shit load of money off of it and we are hoping some of the people boycotting us will throw a few dollars our way. Hell, we’d sell it all year round if we could but then it wouldn’t be special. But white middle class women love it more than sex so fuck it, it’s here in mid-August,” said executive Mark Stroud. “We understand that this product makes a lot of insecure men very angry for no reason, but we can’t let that deter us from padding our bottom line.”
As of press time, Johannssen’s girlfriend caught him red handed drinking a winter ale after complaining about stores already putting out Christmas decorations.