Hell is other people, and what two people could possibly be more hell than right-wing academic clown Jordan Peterson and the unfathomably uncancelled Bill Maher?
If you’ve found yourself watching Maher casually “sparking j’s” and chatting with Pererson about how his all-red-meat diet only put him in the hospital for “a little while,” you’ve probably reached the conclusion that Sartre’s play “No Exit” is in fact an accurate depiction of hell, that you have died, and that you will be locked in a room with these two insufferables forever. Fear not! There’s every chance that you just got loaded on ketamine again and stumbled across a clip of them on social media. Let’s run through the checklist before we freak out, shall we?
Are they responding when you speak?
If the answer is no, well, honestly that’s no guarantee that you’re not actually in a room with these assholes, but it’s a promising start!
Is Bill Baher finding excuses to mention his 2008 atheist documentary “Religulous?”
The only thing in the world that would stop Maher from speaking about atheism as if the whole concept was his idea because he’s just that goddammed smart is dying and finding himself in hell.
Has Peterson asked to see your genitals?
Eternity is a long time sure, but Peterson is going to need to confirm your gender immediately.
See any writers around?
Even Satan is incapable of getting Bill Maher to go anywhere or say anything without them.
Does the room smell like a mix of old creep and some cologne with a name like “Wolf Musk”?
Ketamine is not known to cause olfactory hallucinations and can in fact suppress your sense of smell so trust the nose! Take a nice big whiff. The combined scent of Maher and Petterson should be palpable. Halitosis, incontinence, and sexual wellness supplements punctuated by a fragrance marketed to men who like to think they are lumberjacks. If you’re not getting any of that, chances are you’re just in a K-hole, and you’ll have the faculties required to put your phone down in about 20 minutes.
Can you hear a jilted prostitute demanding more money behind a locked door in the distance?
If you can’t, chances are you are not actually in a room with Bill Maher.
When you snap and punch them, do they react, or does your vision just get a bunch of weird cracks in it?
That’s your phone dude. You just broke your phone screen. That’s the bad news, the good news is you are not in an existential nightmare stuck with Bill Maher and Jordan Peterson in a locked room for all of eternity. Even if your phone isn’t insured, and judging by your habitual ketamine use it is not, that’s a good day.