I think fad diets are as stupid as the next guy, but not all fad diets are created equal. I’ve recently taken to eating an entire large freezer pizza every single night as my only viable source of nutrients (along with 10 or 12 beers), which is not met with the positive reception you’d think. Since life is mostly a long game of bending the truth until it’s seen in a much more favorable light, I’ve reframed my binge-eating and drinking disorder as “intermittent fasting,” and suddenly everybody wants a piece of the pie.
Now, there are different variations of intermittent fasting that you should be familiar with before diving into the DiGiorno deep-end, and I’m going to give you the rundown.
There’s the “16/8” method, when you fast for two-thirds of the day, and then consume all of your calories within an eight-hour window. This is a good starting point, especially if you’re into day-drinking.
And then there’s the more favorable “23/1,” one-meal-a-day, or OMAD method, which is the one I subscribe to every single night as I plow through a Screamin’ Sicilian Stuffed Crust pepperoni pizza with two-and-a-half feet of cheese in the crust alone. After your sixth double IPA, compounded by the fact that you’ve not eaten anything in nearly a day, you may as well be eating paper, so this is easy eating.
Call it alcoholism and a poor diet, but I call it “half-in-the-bag macro hacking.”
And let me tell you, I’ve never felt better. My movements are more regular, even though bloody stool is an increasingly common occurrence. I sleep like a rock every single night because there’s so much grain, dairy, and meat sloshing around in my stomach that I basically fall into a state of shock before eventually waking up to the sound of my own screaming after yet another heartburn-induced, sweat-drenched nightmare.
Most importantly, I’ve lost about thirty pounds since telling everybody how I’m really just getting my steps in and tracking my caloric intake whenever they ask, “what’s your secret?” and I don’t want to answer with “throwing up first thing every morning and waiting until sunset before heating up another Freschetta flat-bread to gorge on in the darkness of my apartment.”
Just make sure you get a couple deluxe pies under your belt, because the green peppers and olives will be your only reliable source of fiber at this point, and you’re gonna need it.