TIVERTON, R.I. — Local dental hygienist Barbara McCall is bewildered why her years-long campaign of criticizing Donald Trump on Facebook for his comically tiny hands has had little apparent effect in stopping the rise of fascism in the US, according to sources from her book club.
“I don’t get it,” said McCall as she placed a new ‘Lock Him Up’ bumper sticker on her Yaris. “Since 2016 I’ve regularly posted really barbed jabs aimed at Trump’s appearance, as well as those picture-with-words thingies showing him looking like a clown or with a Hitler mustache. But it seems like my efforts haven’t done much to slow his rise to power. I’ve slung some real zingers, too, like Mango Mussolini, Orange Julius Caesar and Tannibal Lecter. Nothing seems to work!”
McCall’s daughter Jane says her mom’s incessant attempts at Trump jokes have taken a toll on her own mental health.
“I practically die of embarrassment every time my mom posts some cliched insult or low-effort Boomer meme about Trump,” said the younger McCall while peeking at Facebook between her fingers. “I can’t delete Facebook—it breaks my mom’s heart if I don’t ‘like’ every one of her posts. So, I hold my nose and do it. I’ve suggested ways she and her friends could have an actual impact, from joining me at a pro-Palestine rally to helping register new voters, but they all have excuses why they can’t do anything more than share played-out Trump jokes from their phones.”
Dwayne Cochrane, a comedian who specializes in roasts, has some advice for suburban liberals who attempt insult-humor.
“An effective insult needs to be based on a kernel of truth,” said Cochrane. “You can say Trump has small hands, but his hands are actually pretty normal in size. You’ve got to base your jokes on reality, but take care not to resort to low-hanging fruit. Don’t make fun of his fucked up hair or spray tan—that’s been done to death. Instead, focus on how he wants to have sex with his own daughter, or how his wife hates him, or lean into his rapidly deteriorating cognitive ability. If you insist on body-shaming, go ahead and work with that big ol’ dumper of his. There’s plenty of real shit to make fun of.”
At press time, McCall had begun posting AI-generated images of Kamala Harris in heroic poses, a development described by her daughter as not an improvement, but a “lateral move.”