LOS FELIZ, Calif. — A shirt bearing the logo of a professional hockey team was deemed an acceptable purchase recently as the retro-quality of the clothing is unlikely to spur attention from actual sports aficionados, sources confirmed.
“I was initially reluctant to wear a shirt advertising a sports team I knew nothing about. But, weighing my options, I figured since it was a Hartford Whalers children’s pajama top with a goofy cartoon whale on the front, I would be in the clear,” said hipster Lewis Spinney, while affixing a few pins to it. “It’s old and mis-sized enough that I don’t think anyone would mistake me for an actual hockey guy. I think their questions would be more along the lines of ‘you’re really going to work looking like that?’ than ‘did you catch the tournament last night?’ Plus, get a load of the propellor on my hat. All attention will be drawn there…oh, and to my super interesting personality, of course.”
Spinney’s uncle Fran Crowley, an avowed “sports nut,” concurred with his nephew’s new shirt’s irony level estimation.
“Hell, that team hasn’t been around since two ex-wives ago! There’s no way anyone would mistake my nephew for anyone who’d even seen ‘Slap Shot,’ much less an actual hockey game,” chuckled Crowley, without breaking eye contact with the TV playing ESPN. “He won’t have to have any stats or roster order at the ready, not at all. Plus, who’s gonna ask him about it? The keyboardist in his rock band, or the guys checking the expiration on the oat milk at his coffee shop job? Gimme a break here!”
Peter Karmanos, former owner of the Hartford Whalers, took offense to the insincerity of Spinney’s attire choice.
“I’ll show that little snot. Just for that, I’m bringing back the Whalers to make them more popular than ever. He’s gonna regret shelling out $65 bucks at the Replay Vintage shop for that little outfit of his, you mark my words,” said Karmanos, while shaking his fist. “On top of that, I’m issuing a press release tomorrow announcing that this kid’s starting at left wing for the team. Let’s see him try to get out of talking about hockey when he’s lacing up his skates and getting pucks whipped at his skull. And I’ll be sure to let him know that the jerseys? Oh, the jerseys will be brand new and fit perfectly. He’s gonna hate it.”
At press time, though the shirt had evaded attention from sports fans, it has unfortunately sparked up multiple unwanted conversations with professional whale hunters.