CHARLESTON, S.C. — A new study by the College of Charleston confirms that the majority of shoppers at JoAnn Fabrics espouse stronger and more tangible anarchist ideals than anyone attending modern punk shows, unsurprised customers confirmed.
“Oh honey, I would much rather make winter fleeces for my granddaughters than support some big corporation with their sweatshops and tax write-offs!” stated June Pulaski, founder of the local Stitch, Bitch, n’ Kill Fascists Club. “And as for those children who go to those punk rock and roll shows, they should listen to some Lawrence Welk. Now he was a real musician! Though, to be fair, I also find myself tapping my toes to that new Knocked Loose album from time to time.”
Local Charleston punks dispute the claims about their community found in the college’s research.
“Oh bullshit, I’m more anarchist than those nerds will ever know— it even says so on this battle jacket I got from Urban Outfitters,” said Jared Reed, whose mother bought the jacket for his fifteenth and a half birthday. “You gotta look the part, or else people won’t know how punk you are. Hell, I almost lost my voice last night singing along to songs about ‘revolution’ and ‘rising up.’ I just can’t wait for all these bands to tell me specifically what to rise up against. Those old bags at the craft store are just a bunch of fascist Karens, I think.”
Those who conducted the study commented on the apparent dichotomy between the punk community and those actually putting anti-authoritarian theories into practice.
“All those kids dressing up and going to shows are posers, at least in the political science sense,” explained Professor Dante Clyburn, head researcher in the College of Charleston’s political science department. “They generally serve the benefit of oppressive systems such as capitalism and colonialism, with their unbridled consumerism and rehashed riffs. People who make their own clothes, grow their own food, and support each other in other ways weaken those systems in their immediate sphere. Our study found that a Singer sewing machine is more punk than a Marshall half-stack will ever be. But not all craft stores are created equal: to no one’s surprise, we found that Hobby Lobby shoppers are overwhelmingly Christofascists.”
At press time, an anonymous whistleblower leaked information confirming that the FBI has been tracking Joann Smiles rewards users for anti-American operations since the mid-1950s.