SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Self-proclaimed alpha male, Jared Andrews, suffered a nervous breakdown last week when attempting to eat a banana without looking “gay,” authorities reported.
“It took a lot of effort to eat that banana without looking like a blow job wizard,” Andrews said while lifting weights and pounding a protein shake at his local gym. “No one understands how difficult it is for straight men. I can’t even eat a banana in public without people assuming I’m on Grindr with a username like ‘Throatgoatbabyboy.’ I tried eating the banana bit by bit, but that seemed stupid. Then I tried eating it with a fork, but that felt too fancy. I started sweating and hyperventilating so I decided to eat it like a monkey—I gripped it with two hands and shoved it down my throat. I gagged so hard, which obviously made things worse. The whole thing stressed me out so bad I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of the Hobby Lobby parking lot.”
Maddy Riviera, the woman Andrews is dating, says his obsession with the banana makes her think he might actually be gay.
“I’m not sure why he thinks eating it a certain way is going to determine his sexual orientation,” Riviera said. “I pointed out how the fact he thinks it’s gross to have sex with me and how he never misses an episode of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ is probably more of an indicator than the banana thing. Normally you have to like other men to be gay, but if you think eating a banana would determine that, you might be aching for the D. Anyway, I recommended he see my therapist to help him work through some of those big feelings.”
Therapist and counselor Dr. Ken Brand told us that Andrews refuses to show up to his appointments.
“Mr. Andrews has called my office several times requesting appointments, but then quickly cancels them,” Dr. Brand said. “He insists that he can’t follow through on attending a session for fear of ‘crying in front of another man,’ which he says is, ‘such a pussy move.’ But, we see this behavior in many individuals dealing with a deep repression. For example, our male patients worry that being kind to women, using a straw, and even wiping after defecating will make them seem interested in other men. It’s quite a problem. Judging by the fact that Mr. Andrews is worried about being perceived as gay every time he eats a banana, I can only assume that he is repressing homoerotic impulses, or in layman’s terms, has an unconscious but fiery desire to enjoy it in the butt.”
Andrews suffered another nervous breakdown after our interview when he used face moisturizer with SPF, which he described as “super gay on so many levels.”