Prejudice is a uniquely human trait, but we’re not content limiting our malignant biases to just our fellow man, are we? Thanks to misinformation in the media and online, the same Karen who calls the police anytime a largely non-white group of people throw a barbeque is gunning for your dog too.
We at The Hard Times are sick and tired of these puppers being unfairly maligned, and we’re here to set the record straight. Also, after a recent upsetting incident in our personal life, we’re sort of reassessing who our real friends are, and no dog has ever hurt us the way our FORMER best friend has. But whatever, this isn’t about that. This is about the dogs.
10. Chow Chows
I mean look at these dang fluffballs! You’re trying to tell us these living breathing teddy bears pose a serious threat? Yes, they can be on the protective side, but who can blame someone for being protective of the person they love the most? Maybe I should have been a little more like a Chow Chow. Saw the signs coming. A Chow Chow probably would have noticed his best buddy Carl was acting weird. A Chow Chow might have raised an eyebrow when his wife started taking her phone with her to the bathroom every time. Whatever, this isn’t about me, Chow Chows are super adorbs is my point.
9. Doberman Pinchers
With a 600PSI bite and notorious proficiency as guard dogs, some people shy away from Dobermans. Well first off, we don’t train Dobermans to be guard dogs because they are inherently vicious, we train them because they are intelligent enough to be trained and perform a function. That intelligence can just as easily be used to form a wholesome, familial bond. Without attack training, they are total sweeties. Secondly, and I’m speaking from experience here, a 600 PSI bite is nothing compared to the pain of betrayal. That’s a pain only a human who is close to you can inflict. I took a vow on my wedding day, and to me that actually means something.
8. Boxers
At first glance, Boxers look like big dopey goofballs, and that’s because they are big dopey goofballs! Yes, they are strong dogs with a lot of energy, but they also have a lot of love. You’ll want to properly train them from a young age if you want to add one to your family, but if you do, your family will have one of the sweetest, most loyal companions in the world. Loyalty. Man. That’s hard to come by these days, isn’t it? Like, you think you know a guy, you open up to him about your problems and what does he do? He weaponizes that information and stabs you in the back that’s what. Again, not trying to make this about me, I’m just saying when a boxer lets you vent to them at least they don’t have ulterior motives, unlike Carl.
7. Labrador Retrievers
Wow, racist much America? Labrador retrievers, who often happen to be black, are essentially the same breed as golden retrievers, but while the latter is widely regarded as a big dopey sweetheart, the former gives some people pause. I honestly feel sorry for those people sitting on their porch eyeing black labs with suspicion while meanwhile, behind their backs, their so-called best friend is opportunistically taking advantage of the fact that you and Beth have hit a rough patch just to bang in a Motel 6! Or, like, whatever, something more universal than that.
6. Siberian Huskies
These are extremely misunderstood pups. Maybe it’s their wolf-like appearance that freaks people out, but you can’t judge a book by its cover. My parents adopted a Husky by the name of Snowpaw, and he’s just about the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. Every time I go over here I look into his pale blue eyes and I see a beautiful soul, totally incapable of betraying my trust and seducing the woman I love. Sure, they have strong survival instincts, but who can fault them for that? When the chips are down, when the love you’ve come to take such comfort and security in is suddenly swept out from under you like a tablecloth in a magic trick and you’re left with nothing but the shirt on your back, that’s all you can do—survive.
5. Bullmastiff
It’s ironic that we call certain breeds “bullies” when we’re the ones who bully them! Sure Bullmastiffs are big, intimidating, and could seriously hurt you if they wanted to, but they don’t want to! Usually, they just want you to throw a ball or give ’em belly rubs! Actual instances of bullmastiffs attacking humans are extremely low, and that’s something to celebrate in a world where even the person you love and trust the most can succumb to the advances of a snake in the grass pretending to be your friend. I mean that metaphorically, I’m not just talking about Carl. He is a snake though. You hear me, Carl? You’re a fucking snake!
4. American Bulldog
Unlike their cousin, British bulldogs, these guys were bred for farm work and as a result, they are incredibly muscular. I’ll admit I was once almost knocked to the ground by an American bulldog, but only because he was excited to see me, and he caused me no further harm other than trying to lick my dang face off! I’ll tell you what a real knock to the ground is—having a guy you’ve considered a brother for over a decade, someone you planned to get a matching tattoo with at one point, “accidentally” send dick pics to your wife after you opened up to him about the romantic problems you two were having. Where’s Carl’s muzzle? If a condo association was all like “Yeah, you can have friends here, but not Carl, because of the risk involved,” that I would understand, but American bulldogs? Nah, leave ’em alone.
3. German Shepards
German Shepherds make up a large percentage of dog attacks, but that statistic is skewed by the fact that they are favored by the military and law enforcement. Again, the same intelligence that makes them highly trainable can make them sweet, loving additions to your family. They do tend to be territorial, but sometimes an animal is within its rights to be territorial. That was my wife you bastard.
2. Rottweilers
My WIFE Carl! How the fuck could you do this to me? To us?! Does the sanctity of marriage mean nothing to you? What about the sanctity of friendship Carl?! You destroyed two relationships in one moment of passion, I hope it was worth it you piece of shit! What was I doing again? Oh yeah, rottweilers. They’re great.
1. Pit Bulls
Coming in number one, the most misunderstood and unfairly maligned breed on the list, the pit bull. Call them velvet hippos, call them land seals, but don’t call them dangerous! Remember, dog fighting is a human invention, and when they aren’t raised to be attack dogs a pitbull is one of the sweetest and most loving creatures on God’s green earth. I’m fostering a pity right now, and no matter how much I wave a picture of Carl’s dumb fucking face in front of him and say “Kill!” all this guy does is wag his tail and demand belly rubs. Maybe I would have better luck training an attack cat?