Alright, look, so the last month has been really difficult, okay. We got behind on some projects. We had couples therapy to miss. We had rehab to skip out on. Jury duty to dodge. It’s been a whole thing. And to top it off the only person we have on staff who has seen any of these movies got absolutely demolished by a police horse. This horse really messed him up.
Well, unfortunately, this was not a year where brevity translated to success and we really didn’t have twenty-plus hours to kill watching all these films. But fortunately… we knew someone who did. Our little cousin Nate. Nate is fourteen years old, a high school Freshman and a member of his school’s film society. (They just watched “Usual Suspects.” How fun.) He’s also – thankfully – grounded to his room for blowing up his principal’s mailbox. And so he had a lot of time to review this year’s ten best picture nominees. We’re pretty sure he pirated some of the more recent ones, but we didn’t ask because people already ruined Soap2Day by talking too much about it.
We asked him if he could do the foreign films, documentaries, and shorts as well. And he told us “cheugy” and we have no idea what that even means. So without further ado, we’re very proud(?) to present to you this alphabetical list of the 2024 Best Picture noms, as reviewed by a weasel-mustached, acne-covered, Axe-Body-Spray-reeking teenager.
“American Fiction”
Look, I admit, I know nothing about the publishing industry but I do look at magazine when my mom makes me go to the dentist. I think I get the gist of what this movie’s going for since I’m in Mrs. Whitmer’s Intro to Creative Writing Class for fourth period right now. It was like really smart, but sometimes I worried it was too smart. Still, Sterling K. Brown was the GOAT in this. Really happy he’s up for an Oscar. Hope he wins, no cap. On the whole, the thing that felt most profound about this movie was that it wasn’t called “African American Fiction,” even though that’s what it was about. It was just “American Fiction.” Because really… we’re all Americans. You think about that. I know I did. I give it a 3.5 stars out of 5.
“Anatomy of a Fall”
I was really nervous because this was a foreign film and I hate having to read the words at the bottom of the screen. I didn’t go to the movies to take a test. But it turns out they had the good sense to still do most of the movie in English. And I think that’s smart, because there was so much talking in this movie. Like this wasn’t even a movie. This was a play. You seriously tricked me into watching a play. And plays suck. Like we just had to read “Romeo and Juliet” in English. Fuckin’ lame AF, man. Anyway, the main lady in this was bi and a baddy, which is hot. 4 outta 5.
“Barbie”
I didn’t know what to make of this movie so I listened to Andrew Tate’s podcast and those guys made a lot of good points. Then they talked about cigars and cars and it was lit. But look, I’m not a misogynist, alright, I’m pro co-ed sports at my high school. But I think the movie would have been a lot more funny if Adam Sandler made it. I just rewatched “Hubie Halloween 2” and bruh, that shit is gas. The best part of “Barbie” is when Ryan Reynolds was a total boss. I give it 2 stars because it was pretty.
“The Holdovers”
Holy fucking yes, dude. I actually wasn’t expecting to like this. I don’t like when people make movies about teenagers, because they never get it right, but I liked this one. I started acting like the main kid Angus around school because he’s like me, for real. He’s like smart, and his parents suck and he’s independent. Like he can take care of himself. And that’s like me. I can make pasta by myself. I can walk down to the Chiptole. I can stay home alone without a babysitter even. And anyway, that’s why I blew up my principal’s mailbox. Because of the movie. 5/5.
“Killers of the Flower Moon”
Yeah, I gotta be honest, I’m not sure I could sit through this again. Like don’t get me wrong, Scorsese is fire. But this is one where I’m like… bro, just make it a mini-series. This would’ve been so much easier to take if he had done it in like a couple forty-five minute increments on Netflix. I mean that. Netflix has actually gotten really good lately. Like look at the stuff they’ve got on there like ‘Hubie Halloween’ parts 1 and 2. Anyway… this movie’s great and all. I kinda wish Leo and his lady had ended up together at the end. Like he wasn’t a saint, but he ended up doing the right thing, she should’ve forgiven him. Sometimes it’s nice to have a happy ending. 3.5 hours out of 5.
“Maestro”
Dude, imagine thinking anyone would care about this movie. I guess Bradley Cooper spent like six years learning how to conduct one piece of music. And that’s cool and all, but also think about what you could do with six years. He could’ve probably made like… three to six other movies about surfing or ninjas or some shit. And they all would’ve required less work. God, you can just tell he was one of those guys back in school that was always kissing his teachers’ asses. Being like “Um, hey teacher Nate is trying to make himself puke so he doesn’t have to take the test.” Like mind your own business dude. This one gets 2.5 out of 5.
“Oppenheimer”
This movie was really fucking cool. Made by the absolute GOAT, Christopher Nolan. Is this my favorite Nolan film? No, I don’t think so. I mean, he is my favorite director, so like… I love all of his movies, but I like “Inception” more. Okay, and the top totally fell, so I don’t want to hear anyone arguing about that. Also, I love “Interstellar.” I don’t know if any of you have seen it, it’s pretty scientifically complex. Like “Rick and Morty” you’d really need a certain degree of intelligence to understand it. That’s really what this movie felt like it was about. Someone who’s so smart that other people can’t handle it, so they make him into the bad guy. Oh and don’t even get me started on “The Dark Knight.” Is Heath Ledger’s Joker the greatest performance in film history? I think it might be. 5/5 stars.
“Past Lives”
MOVIES LIKE THIS ARE WHAT’S FUCKING WRONG WITH SOCIETY! I can’t… I’m sorry. The main lady in this was SO FUCKING SELFISH. And her husband was such a cuck. It’s like “oh yeah, your ex-boyfriend from Korea’s coming in for the weekend. Yeah, that’s fine, you should totally go out and do a ton of stuff with him and I’ll totally support that.” This is why all the girls in my school are always walking around in short-shorts and nobody says anything, but I got yelled at by my math teacher for wearing an “I hate cats, but I love pussy” hat. If I ever get a girlfriend she will never treat me like this. HALF A FUCKING STAR.
“Poor Things”
This is kinda similar to “Past Lives” except… I don’t know. I mean, the main character is still super selfish and rude. But like, in a funny way. Something was different about it. I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe like… the director was better. Maybe the cast. Maybe it was just more fun to watch or… oh yeah, maybe it was just a more interesting film. Still, Emma Stone is super weird in this. She’s probably acoustic. And you know what sucked? Emma Stone is normally really hot. But in this, even though she’s having lots of sex, she makes absolutely no effort to be hot. It’s like it’s… not for me, almost. Even though it’s really for me. 3.5 out of 5 stars.
“The Zone of Interest”
I don’t know how many times I need to say it, but… NO MORE SUBTITLE MOVIES. I don’t know why A24 thinks it can keep getting away with this. Also, how are you gonna make a movie about the Nazis and not show any footage inside the you-know-what camps. What, was this made on like a shoestring budget? Did they not want to spend the money on the extras? All this was just people mumbling and putting on coats. If I wanted to see that, I’d just go to my granddad’s nursing home. 1.5 out of 5 stars.