TOLEDO, Ohio – Local Juggalette and proud mother of three dope-ass jugga-babies Candice “Candya$$” Armbruster single-handedly lifted her ‘89 Geo Metro off the ground to save her trapped bottle of Faygo, sources close to the face-painted hero confirmed.
“Any Juggalette momma would’ve done the same thing if she was in my JNCOs,” Armbruster said solemnly. “I was having a vape break in the parking lot when one of my shitass kids started screaming. I look over and see my three-liter bottle of Faygo Moon Mist Blue somehow got pinned under my Geo! The cries of carbonation still haunt me to this day. Maybe it was maternal instinct, or that hit of crystal I did in the bathroom, but I lifted that hunk of shit with one hand and snagged my sweet, sweet Faygo with the other. ‘Cuz that’s how you get down with the clown until you’re dead in the ground!”
Middle stepson Travis “Shitnutz” Plumlee was impressed but critical of his stepmother’s herculean feat.
“I was shocked, because I’ve never seen Candice lift a damn finger at home,” Plumlee said while tattooing Hatchet Man on his own thigh. “I’m the one changing the baby’s diapers once a week. And when the electricity gets shut off, it’s me running up that pole to turn it back on. I gotta hand it to her though. Most stepmommas would have pussied out under the pressure. But Candice lifted up that hoopty faster than her top at an ICP concert. She definitely gets a whoop-whoop for that.”
Dr. Nicholson Tubbs, a neuroscientist with Johns Hopkins University, explained Armbruster’s superhero strength isn’t just the stuff of Marvel lore.
“Ms. Armbruster experienced a phenomenon known as ‘hysterical strength,’ which, in Juggalo terms, is like doing 300 whip-its of pure adrenaline in one huff, resulting in a brief burst of She-Hulkian power,” Tubbs said. “Apparently she blew out her anus deadlifting the vehicle, but that is standard issue for most Juggalos due to their diet of candy and soda. I’m sure she’ll be backyard wrestling again in no time.”
At press time, Armbruster was celebrating her incredible rescue by writing an erotic Juggalo-themed novella about the incident to sell on Amazon.
Photo by Laurie Bolewitz.