What do Gob, Billy Talent, Alexisonfire, and Marianas Trench have in common with each other, other than the fact that they are all overtly Canadian bands that play guitars sometimes? Well, all four acts are FAR bigger in their native land, the Great White North, than they are here stateside, proving once and for eh that Americans are idiots, you and me included. Back to the “Big Four” of Canada according to literally no one: We decided to rank all of Gob’s six studio albums from worst to best below, and spoiler alert, two are tied in the middle positions, you won’t agree with a single ranking, “play it again” track, or what we chose to place in the “skip it” section, and your opinions regarding all of the above are incorrect even IF you agree with us.
6. Apt. 13 (2014)
This may sound cold, as we really wanted to rank this one higher than the bottom slot, but after much reflection, love, light, and prayers to the main man upstairs, Barry “Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli” Zuckercorn, we couldn’t do so in good conscience. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again ad nauseam, it’s tough for a band with a revered and expansive catalog like Gob to consistently put out hit after hit after hit after hit. So, “Apt. 13” is go-od, but not gr-eh-at, so it legally has to start this piece, and we see no counter argument for such unless we do. Still, any Gob release is an enjoyable romp, making it the same as it ever was, so “Apt. 13” is better than some band’s best LPs. We think that the long gap between this one and its predecessor “Muertos Vivos” didn’t help its cause.
Play it again: “Radio Hell”
Skip it: Most of it is good but not great, so take your pick
5. Too Late… No Friends (1995)
Since we just semi-brutally dissected the band’s newest LP “Apt. 13,” let’s get to their oldest right this very moment, Gob’s cult favorite debut LP “Too Late… No Friends.” This record is definitely fun AF for kids of all ages with dirty mouths and minds, but the songs don’t translate as well from a songwriting and production standpoint in 2023 as they likely did in the mid-90s. To put it bluntly, all vocals and instruments got so much better for the next five, but this record’s charm is what got it ranked just above the dreaded lowest position here at number six. Also, you know you’re in for quite a treat when your album’s longest song clocks in at two minutes and seventeen seconds and is called “Asshole TV,” and that the second longest is named after WWF, not WWE’s, Goldust’s slimy savvy vixen seductive smokeshow valet Marlena.
Play it again: “Soda”
Skip it: There are slightly more good songs here than on “Apt. 13,” but take your pick again
4. The World According to Gob (2000)
Slots three and four here in this piece could be swapped depending on the day, but on this very day, Ellin beats Sleepyhead by a small yet winning margin; that’s just the way that it is, morons with 144 problems. Gob’s third LP “The World According to Gob” not only features their own band name in its title, but as of today, certainly yesterday, and likely tomorrow, is their best selling effort, Juno, yes Juno nominated, and officially certified Gold in Canada. Also, as you may or may not know, “I Hear You Calling” is likely Gob’s biggest hit in Canada and “hit” stateside, so you can listen to it twice: once here, and once on its follow-up “Foot in Mouth Disease.” In closing, “The World According To Gob” has the band’s coolest cover art.
Play it again: “I Hear You Calling”
Skip it: “ExShuffle”
3. Foot in Mouth Disease (2003)
After a fun, fun, fun release via Arista Records, then-home to peers who never took off called Wakefield, (freaking) OutKast, nu-metal sludgers with a heart of gold and stone known as Adema, and KIDZ BOP superstar GG Allin, called “F.U. EP” shortly after “The World According To Gob” hit stores, the four-piece released their fourth studio album “Foot In Mouth Disease.” and said record is WAY too slept on for its own good. We wish that the world was more according to Gob than other mid pop-punk acts that did better domestically during the early-aughts, and we are not specifically singling anyone out in print, so you can surmise who we are referring to in your bones, cold feet, this evil world, and boring lives. We’re forever fed up with the music industry, but don’t worry, we won’t cut ourselves whilst we are in deep thought about spoiled lemon-aid.
Play it again: “Oh! Ellin”
Skip it: “Bully”
2. How Far Shallow Takes You (1998)
This is a non-shallow substantive, yet bite-sized Jordans Morning Crisp Wild About Berries cereal box commentary regarding Gob’s last ‘90s release: “How Far Shallow Takes You” is easily one of the most enjoyable melodic punk rock albums of all time, and “236 E. Broadway,” a track covered perfectly by Silverstein on “Short Songs,” might be the best opening track to ANY late-90s rock record; we’re the self-appointed leaders of musical authority, so we will forever stand, deliver, bury your past, and paint it, black. Ok? Cool! Also, “How Far Shallow Takes You,” for lack of a better term, took the band to their biggest heights at the time, and certainly caused “suits” to take notice, and Nettwerk Management proved such by re-releasing the then-Fearless Records, err, release. Together things happen all the time, so please assist in letting love reign o’er me, you, all we are, and Crown Royal.
Play it again: “236 E. Broadway”
Skip it: “Together”
1. Muertos Vivos (2007)
Why isn’t number #5, #4, or #2 in the gold medal slot in this stupid bad take article ranking all of Gob’s studio albums? Well we have two words for you that apply to every season: You’re wrong. Wake up, face the ashes, get a new prescription to pain medication, and check out this “no skip” slept upon Gob release right this very moment. Still feel nothing, banshees? Pity. “Muertos Vivos” is Gob at their angry best, and said emotion is translated perfectly in musical form here. This album is the literal dawning of the age of Aquarius, the living dead declaring war on cemeteries, Ash Wednesday, and your least favorite family member, likely named Tula. In conclusion, the band’s moms may be concerned with what Gob became, but we love their 2007 headstrong, heavy, huggable, and hellish vibe.
Play it again: All of it so we can bring it to the foreground
Skip it: None of it so you embitter us in a sour manner