ELMIRA, N.Y. — Local Wendy’s employee Jared Snyder was blissfully unaware that the broom he had picked up to play air guitar with in a humorous manner was completely covered in rat excrement, grossed out sources report.
“It was towards the end of the shift and ‘Living After Midnight’ by Judas Priest came on the radio, so I saw the opportunity to cheer up my coworker Ang, who I’m pretty sure totally has a thing for me, by playing the broom like a guitar,” Snyder explained. “It was super funny. So funny in fact, Ang and the rest of the crew were laughing hysterically while also dry heaving! However, since then, the doctor tells me I have a rare disease ravaging my body not seen in humans since the middle ages. I blame Wendy’s spicy chickens. After all, I think that’s what gave me Herpes last time.”
Snyder’s coworker Angela Cross didn’t have the heart to tell him how disgusting his attempt at humor was.
“Jared is always trying to make me laugh, and I usually ignore him. But this time, it was just sad,” Cross said, adding she had used that same broom to clean up an enormous amount of vomit from a customer minutes before. “The embarrassment he would have felt if I called him out in front of everyone would more than likely surpass the pain he’s enduring from handling feces from one of the dozens of rats I’ve seen inhabiting this restaurant. He should thank me. And then wash his hands vigorously.”
Dr. Yolanda Vasquez, a physician who specializes in infectious diseases, gave insight to the world of “air instrument” related illnesses.
“Music dorks just cannot help themselves when it comes to using filthy everyday objects for their air drumming, air guitaring, or air saxophoning needs, despite the adverse consequences,” Dr. Vasquez stated. “While Mr. Snyder’s case is disgusting and unfortunate, it pales in comparison to the one I saw involving an office worker using a stapler to air harmonica along to a Blues Traveler song. He contracted dysentery, and died one week later. He was just 22 years old and was found with a stomach full of rusty staples because no one had used that thing in a decade. So tragic. No one that young should die because of Blues Traveler.”
At press time, the manager of the Wendy’s started enforcing a highly contested zero tolerance “no Judas Priest at work” policy.