The worst has happened: your boyfriend used to think of you as his booger-less pixie dream girl, but now he’s found your secret stash and suspects you of being of being a rhinotillexomaniac. Right now you’re probably asking yourself questions like, does he think I’m disgusting? How can I get my feminine power back? And, most importantly, When can I resume picking my nose with impunity?
Not to worry! The situation is still as salvageable as a ripe crop of low-hanging nostril fruit, provided you follow these handy tips:
Find a new wiping location
First things first, you need to rehome your booger collage. Only a dumb criminal returns to the scene of the crusty crime, where your man will no doubt be lying in wait, ready to catch you in the act of mucus reaping. So figure out a fresh snot spot and this time don’t make it something obvious because he’s definitely going to be checking the wall next to your side of the bed and in between the couch cushions. We recommend far-flung locales like the underside of the toilet bowl, the leaves of your houseplants, or if all else fails, a tissue.
Deny, deny, deny
While gaslighting is usually considered toxic relationship behavior, in this instance it’s a vital coping strategy. Blame everyone else you can think of: the sniffling child who was in your apartment that one time for five minutes, your dog with his crusty eyes and preternaturally dexterous paws, even your boyfriend himself while he was in a fugue state.
Remind him that you have three other humours, and he has no idea where you’ve been wiping those
This guy may think he has your number, but there’s so much of you that he has yet to behold. Engage him in a discussion of the Medieval bodily humors and emphasize that phlegm is just one of them. Then murmur in his ear, “no man has ever happened upon my glistening mound of yellow bile, but maybe you’ll get lucky if you stick around.”
Remind him that you have three other humours and he has no idea where you’ve been wiping those
Real talk: this guy may think he has your number, but there’s so much of you that he has yet to behold. Engage him in a discussion of the Medieval bodily humors, and emphasize that phlegm is just one of them. Then murmur in his ear, “no man has ever happened upon my glistening mound of yellow bile, but maybe you’ll get lucky if you stick around.”
And with the help of these suggestions, he’ll likely do just that. Then you can get back to doing what you do best: creating Jackson Pollocks with the contents of your nasal cavities like the incredibly mysterious woman that you are.