LOS ANGELES — Thrash metal legend and rhythm guitarist for Metallica Kirk Hammett admitted he has serious doubts that he’ll ever be able to rejoin Exodus, the band he created 44 years ago, several sources hidden behind their lawyers exclaimed.
“The last couple of decades with Metallica have been fun and everything, but after reading the comments online about our new record, I’m starting to feel like maybe leaving Exodus was a mistake,” Hammet said while being surrounded by several large bags of money. “The millions and millions and millions of dollars I’ve made with Metallica is great and all, but I really only do it to fund my monster movie memorabilia collecting habit. I just want to go back to making kickass thrash metal again, and I don’t think Lars and James would be all that into that idea.”
Current lead singer of Exodus Steve Souza weighed in on the idea of having Hammit rejoin the band.
“I personally feel like if it were 10 or maybe even 20 years since leaving the band we could make it work, but 40 plus years simply isn’t feasible, “Souza explained. “I think it’s great Metallica is trying to make an honest effort to maintain some credibility within the genre as well. Of course it’s not as good as Exodus’ new stuff, but Kirk should be happy where he is. Plus unlike Exodus, they have a repertoire of crappy songs people seem to love and will pay hundreds of dollars to see played live. Might as well live that out until retirement.”
Carl “Fastkill” Jackson, a thrash metal expert and creator of the webzine, “Pit Circus,” uses modern AI technology to see what it would’ve been like had Kirk never left Exodus in the first place.
“According to the data presented, had Kirk never left Exodus to join Metallica, the outcomes of both bands would obviously be very different than they are today,” Fastkill stated. “One big difference on the Exodus timeline is about 1996 or so. There, we see Kirk clearly cosplaying as Chris Cornell, and a buzz-cut Gary Holt rocking a goatee and chain wallet. Sure, Exodus is making millions of dollars at this time, but they’re clearly fuckin’ posers.”
At press time, Kirk Hammett was spotted feverishly practicing the riffs for “Piranha” in the Metallica jam space.