Jawbreaker is the band that everyone gets into for about three weeks in college while they’re trying to fuck the cool punk girl they sit next to in art history class, before learning that they were actually her favorite band last month and that now she’s way more into some band called Slint.

But for those of us who actually bothered to read a Tennyson poem once, like all good English majors should, Blake Schwarzenbach, Chris Bauermeister and Adam Pfhaler remain the poet laureates of punk rock. Here’s our definitive ranking of every Jawbreaker record.

Honorable Mentions: Etc. and Live 4/30/96

As the foremost source of punk rock journalism, rules are almost sacred to The Hard Times. Which is why we are unable to include posthumous compilation “Etc.” and live recording “Live 4/30/96” in our definitive ranking. Look, we know it blows. I mean, you’re telling us that “Kiss the Bottle” never made it onto an album? And are these really the best recordings we have of “Gemini” and “For Esme” – they sound like the band was playing a set in an abandoned tractor factory. Well, whatever, they’re both good albums. But since they aren’t studio releases we guess they can both fuck off. Sorry, Jawbreaker. Maybe this will finally get you off your fat asses and back into the studio again.

 

4. Unfun (1990)

One of them had to be at the bottom of the list so it might as well be “Unfun.” Most fairweather Jawbreaker fans will probably just listen to album lead-off track “Want” and be done with it. Admittedly, there is a sameness to a lot of the songs and the band hadn’t really developed completely into the dark, melodic intricacies that Jawbreaker would eventually become known for. I dunno, maybe Schwarzenbach just hadn’t started mainlining Kerouac by this point. But still, “Unfun” remains the cornerstone of what 90’s pop-punk would become.

 

Play on Repeat: “Want”
Skip: Look, I’m an actual Jawbreaker fan. I’m not gonna tell you to skip anything for the rest of this review.

3: Bivouac (1992)

True story: “Chesterfield King” was the first Jawbreaker song I ever heard. I thought it was so darkly romantic. I remember being drunk at a party when I was eighteen and singing it to this girl that I had a huge crush on and then later that night I lost my virginity to her. Unfortunately though I was a shithead and a relationship never progressed and I fucked things up and now I’m left with a bittersweet memory of what could have been.
So anyways, what were we talking about? Oh right, yeah this record is pretty good.

 

Play on Repeat: “Chesterfield King”
Skip: What did I just say in the last skip section?

2: Dear You (1995)

I strongly considered placing this album at number one, and not just because I thought it would give me a lot of hate comments on Twitter to have to deal with. But because this is one of the most complete works of art to encase heartbreak and depression that has ever existed. Doesn’t matter how much psilocybin and cocaine I’ve been on while I was listening to it, “Dear You” is a total effort to reach the core of human sorrow. And it does. REBECCA!!!

Play on Repeat: “Accident Prone”
Skip: Fucking try me.

1: 24 Hour Revenge Therapy (1994)

If this isn’t your perfect record then congratulations, you have done everything right in your life. You have no health problems, your partner loves you, you don’t question your friendships – you’re killing it. For the rest of us this is Jawbreaker apex. “Boxcar” is the immediate classic, even if it does sound like it was written by an anemic eighth grader, but this whole album basically punches you in the face and kind of just leaves its fist there – and lets you feel like you kind of deserve it. It’s fair to say that if you don’t love this record then you are an actual sociopath and should probably seek therapy.

Play on Repeat: “Ache”
Skip: Get fucked.