America is going to hell in a hand-basket, and not in a good way. These kids today don’t care about anything except Tiktok, Fortnite, and how many social media likes they get. You know what they don’t have time for anymore?
Worshiping Satan.
I’m not saying rampant devil worship makes America magnificent, but the world feared us a lot more when we still locked up innocent goth kids in Arkansas for the hell of it. Just saying.
In this age of “inclusion,” and “respect of others,” Lucifer’s followers are welcomed into society with open arms, rather than being exiled on suspicion of sorcery and hexcraft. Remember when everyone thought KISS stood for ‘Knights in Satan’s Service’? Millions of their records were burnt on rumor alone, and KISS wasn’t even evil. Well, evil in a capitalist way, but not the cool kind of evil.
When I was a kid, you would get chained to a radiator for a week if anyone suspected you of occultism. Once I spent an entire summer in the trunk of my dad’s car because he found my copy of Venom’s ‘In League With Satan’ LP. You know what? I turned out just fine.
Sometimes I worry that the Church of Satan is directly to blame. They used to stand for pointy goatees, snappy red suits, and the bubbling sexual charisma of Anton LaVey, but those days are long gone, friends. Now the Church of Satan cares about nothing but pushing the woke liberal agenda, fighting for religious freedom, and roasting conservatives on Twitter.
The country is on the road to ruin, and can only be saved by fully committing to the Son of the Morning himself. No more false Devils, nor phony fallen angels. America needs his infernal majesty more than ever; if only to distract the religious right for a while.
This is what we’ll do. We’ll draw a chalk pentagram over the entire state of Kansas, line it with black candles, and pour salt around the perimeter. Then we’ll buy 50,000 ornate goth knives from the mall, slice our palms over clove cigarette tobacco, and await further instruction from below. Hail Satan!