DENVER — Local punk Cody Dawkins attempted to defy the limits of what humanity knows as a fundamental truth and travel backward through time in order to see hardcore pop sensation Turnstile back when they still played small venues, reported amazed onlookers.
“I’ve loved Turnstile from the start, but I always missed them when they came to town. Next thing I know they’re on a major label and playing Jimmy Fallon. Now, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Go to Coachella or watch them open for Blink-182? I’d rather stick my foot in a garbage disposal. So I did what anyone would do and created a way to travel through time and space,” said Dawkins. “It wasn’t as hard as you might think. I just read a lot about black holes and then was able to hijack a Particle Accelerator from an Eastern European terrorist operation. I attached the whole thing to my buddy’s old tour van. The next thing I knew, I was watching Turnstile at the Charm City Art Space in 2012.”
While Dawkins’s behavior may seem extreme to most, friends aren’t surprised at all.
“Shit, Cody once drove 30 straight hours to catch a Comeback Kid show when the original singer rejoined the group for a tour. The dude is determined,” said lifelong friend and former bandmate Wyatt Bowers. “But I’m beginning to worry. I get messages from him saying he’s been stuck in the past and that he’s seen Turnstile so many times they might get a restraining order against him. He’s even going to shows that he’s already been at. Dude, I hate being ‘that guy’, maybe he could stop his Mom from dying in that car wreck, as opposed to seeing another hardcore band. Just saying.”
Dr. Eric Finney, Professor of Astrophysics at Berkley, is concerned with the long-term effects of intergalactic manipulation for scene cred.
“We have seen a real uprise in the misuse of a temporal anomaly for basically what amounts to punk points. Not only do we have dudes time traveling, but we also have guys cruising the multiverse beating the shit out of the pop-punk and ska versions of themselves from middle school,” said Dr. Finney. “We’re going to have to put a stop to this. We are already seeing fractures in the space-time continuum. And not a single one of these assholes has even killed a young Kid Rock. Fucking posers.”
At press time, Dawkins was busy making sure the younger version of himself didn’t buy that Casualties shirt.
Photo by Matt Gill.