The absolute best part about music is getting the chance to rank a band’s albums from “complete shitshow of a release” to “gosh dang, pump this audio directly into my veins and don’t stop until I pass out.” Exactly what musicians want from their fanbase. That being said, here’s the definitive ranking of Every Time I Die’s discography.
9) Ex Lives (2012)
While this album completely rips, it came out the same year Jessica broke up with me. Songs like “Grudge Music” and “Underwater Bimbos From Outer Space” only remind me of her. Even the album title has us written all over it.
Play it again: “I Suck (Blood)”
Skip It: “A Wild, Shameless Plain”
8) Low Teens (2016)
I’d rank all these albums number one if I could, but unfortunately, that’s not how sensational internet content works. Therefore, this album, while tied for first for personal reasons, is number eight for online shit-stirrer purposes.
Play it again: “I Didn’t Want To Join Your Stupid Cult Anyway”
Skip It: “Skin Without Bones”
7) The Big Dirty (2007)
Honestly, I’ve never listened to this album before, but after skimming the tracklist I’m just going to assume it goes here. You can fact-check me on this one later.
Play it again: “Pigs Is Pigs”
Skip It: “Depressionista”
6) Radical (2021)
This album may be sixth best according to this elaborate ranking system, but it would easily place first if it were in Neil Diamond’s or Celine Dion’s discography. So yeah, sixth best Every Time I Die album, but definitely the best Barbra Streisand album.
Play it again: “Distress Rehearsal”
Skip It: “We Go Together” but only if you’re short on time
5) Gutter Phenomenon (2005)
This might actually be my favorite one, but my dickhead roommate Dale loves this one too. That guy never washes his dishes and he always eats my leftovers in the fridge even though I write “Fuck You Dale” on it. I hate that guy.
Play it again: “Bored Stiff”
Skip It: “Guitarred and Feathered”
4) New Junk Aesthetic (2009)
While this album may give off “top three” vibes for a lot of people, I have to disagree entirely because you have to be a contrarian if you want to make it in the amateur music critic blogging business.
Play it again: “Wanderlust”
Skip It: “Goddam Kids These Days”
3) From Parts Unknown (2014)
There’s just something about this album that screams third best. Maybe it’s because it rips, but not so much that it’s the first best, yet not so lacking in its rip-ness that it’s at the end of the list. You see it, right?
Play it again: “The Great Secret”
Skip It: “Cheap Ludes”
2) Last Night in Town (2001)
This handsome collection of tracks constitutes their first full-length album. It’s ranked so high not only because it’s incredible, but it also wins me some music critic points for liking a band’s early material. Liking, and more importantly knowing, a band’s early work is a sign you’re a better fan than everyone else.
Play it again: “The Logic of Crocodiles”
Skip It: “Enter Without Knocking And Notify The Police”
1) Hot Damn! (2003)
This is the first ETID album I ever heard. Therefore, it’s the best one. It’s also their second album, which means they worked out all the kinks in their first release. It’s like how the first season of a TV show always lacks in comparison to the rest of the series. Basically, this album is season two of “Teen Mom.” Perfect.
Play it again: “Godspeed Us to Sea”
Skip It: Don’t you dare skip any of these songs