PHILADELPHIA — Local punk Kyle Shillington was seen canvassing his neighborhood in hopes of confirming that a feral cat who bit him survived the ordeal, skeptical locals confirmed.
“I never had a pet growing up, so it seemed like fate brought us together when I met him at the dumpster behind the Chinese place next door. I’d been hooking him up with slightly expired Cheetos and Red Bulls all year when he just up and bit me with what felt like extreme malice. I want to be angry but I’m like 99% sure I just gave him a death sentence once he broke the skin,” said Shillington. “It’s been two weeks and I haven’t seen a trace of him since. I can only hope he found a new place to hunker down, but if we’re being realistic the fact that I have all three forms of Hepatitis doesn’t bode well for that furry little guy.”
Shillington’s roommate voiced his concern for the cat’s well-being days before the incident occurred.
“Between the elements, food scarcity, and dodging cars all day, I never thought this cat’s fate would be decided by a guy who views eating fruit as conformist. I told him a feral cat is the last thing we need hanging around the house and it’s only going to end with somebody dying, and it sure as shit wasn’t going to be any of the mice living in the backyard,” said Tim Platz. “He’s never not loaded, so one drop of blood and that cat must’ve had instant alcohol poisoning. Kyle has a good heart, but animal rearing is not in his wheelhouse. Last year animal control came and took his ferret after the neighbors found it covered in wood glue, trying to hotwire their car.”
The local ASPCA has reported an alarming increase in animals plagued with human afflictions, putting entire counties at risk.
“It’s six degrees of bullshit nowadays. The other day I had a dog come in with rabies because he bit a guy who was bitten by a raccoon! We’ve had to put so many animals who’ve bitten someone down not because they’re dangerous to society, but because they’ve contracted polio. Thanks, anti-vaxxers,” said volunteer veterinarian Ashlee Smith. “With this cat though, our best case scenario is that when it does die, it won’t do it near or in the local water supply. Last thing we need is a ‘28 Days Later’ situation because a crust punk didn’t shower for six months.”
As of press time, Shillington was relieved to hear his feline friend was alive, after reports of a cat matching the same description was found the next town over and had killed several people.