Each Sunday, The Hard Times dives into the archives to review a legendary album. This week, it’s Joy Division’s much-reviewed debut full-length, “Unknown Pleasures.”
So what will I do with the prize money? Well, my girlfriend and I started dating right before COVID so we haven’t been able to go on a vacation together yet. I think a South American trip is first up.
But yeah, if I win the grand prize money for being the 1,000,000th music writer to review Joy Division’s “Unknown Pleasures,” I’ll be swimming in it. I assume the pot is up to like, 3-mil at this point.
Let’s get the formalities out of the way first: Joy Division’s seminal post-punk debut “Unknown Pleasures” ushered in a new age of rock songwriting with its pessimistic, self-analytical lyrics and claustrophobic, proto-goth production blah blah BLAH who gives a shit, the contest didn’t say anything about the review being good.
I’ll be honest. “Unknown Pleasures” is maybe my least favorite thing Joy Division did. I’m not trying to be unnecessarily contrarian here. “Closer” is the better album to listen to front-to-back, and nothing tops the highs of their non-album singles. “Transmission” anyone? Sure, “Unknown Pleasures” is great and influential and has its moments. But at this point, it’s like trying to review “The Empire Strikes Back.” You can’t say anything new about it, and the hype is stronger than any reality can be.
This isn’t even the first time I reviewed it. You may not know this but to receive your Professional Music Reviewer License, the final exam gives you a few options of albums to review. You can choose Enter the Wu-Tang “(36 Chambers),” Radiohead’s “Kid A,” Björk’s “Post,” or some other Rolling Stone bait like that. I went with “Unknown Pleasures.” You should have seen it, I was dropping “ethereal reverb” and “cavernous snare” and “postmodern dystopian lyrics centered around identity and pain” left and right. And yes, I passed.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. As long as this review gets published at exactly 9 a.m. Pacific, Sunday morning, I’m fairly certain I’ll be the millionth review and win the prize money. Hell, maybe I’ll finally upgrade my record player so I can hear Joy Division without the screechy buzz of this Crosley piece of shit turntable throughout.
Score: 1,000,003 Goddamn Piece of Shit “Unknown Pleasures” Reviews Out of 1,000,000