BAYONNE, N.J. — Residents of local punk house The Dry Socket made the cost-cutting decision to switch to Kirkland Signature for household whippets after reevaluating their budget, sources from within the scene have reported.
“This wasn’t an easy decision, but none of us have had jobs since the beginning of the pandemic and you can only steal so many catalytic converters before the well runs dry,” said house resident Carl Kenner. “Reality set in during last week’s house meeting, and we realized we could no longer afford the extravagance of getting fucked up from huffing Reddi Wip and Endust. Only thing left to do was pool our money together for a Costco membership and switch to Kirkland Signature. Sure, Kirkland aerosols don’t knock you on your ass like the name brands do, but with all the money we’re saving we might actually be able to afford Kirkland brand food too.”
Costco employees have embraced the new clientele despite not fully understanding why their products have exploded in popularity.
“We usually cater to either large families or doomsday preppers, so seeing all these colorful people come in lately has been a nice change of pace. But they only ever buy whipped cream and keyboard cleaner,” said greeter Miriam Jones. “Are they some kind of futurist hackers who bake pies? I don’t really know what the kids are into these days. Whatever they’re doing, I hope they keep coming back because I would love to know their secret to why they’re in such a good mood all the time.”
Economists who’ve followed American shopping trends closely expect store brand stimulants to become a permanent staple on most shopping lists.
“As the threats of inflation, stagnant wages, and the impending recession loom, many punks are changing up their spending habits. While most of them are being conservative about the basics like having their parents pay their rent and cell phone bills, the demographic has found themselves turning to budget or store brand carcinogens to inhale in order to get through the banality of everyday life,” said Analysis Group rep John Berry. “This is obviously good news for businesses’ in-house brands, but it’s yet to be seen if there is enough paint thinner and wood glue to meet demand.”
As of press time, Kenner and his housemates were able to find another cost-saving measure by siphoning gas out of cars in the Costco parking lot.