Celebrities — until now, a harmless nuisance. But sometimes, they have secrets. Deep, dark, occasionally identical secrets that we here at The Hard Times feel it is our journalistic duty to expose. Here are some of the most popular celebrities who have twins you’ve never heard about.
Dave Grohl
Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl would rather you not know about his twin brother Stan, a sanitation worker from Delaware who tried to cash in on his brother’s fame with the parody band Poo Fighters, before he was asked to cease and desist by Grohl’s record label and several local government agencies.
Will Smith
Smith may be the “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,” but his identical twin Frank was the fresh prince of getting his dick stuck in a hot tub jet when he was arrested for indecent exposure at a Ramada Inn in 2004. Since then, Smiths’ family has tried to keep Frank out of the public eye, with the exception of 2014 when he was tragically asked to fill in for Smith for all “After Earth” promotional events.
Lupita Nyong’o
Nyong’o’s performance in the horror thriller “Us” was largely inspired by her twin sister, Beth, who is a murderous doppelganger that lives in an abandoned mine shaft somewhere. Of the performance, the actor has stated “Beth, if you’re hearing this, please come out of that mine shaft and turn yourself in. We’re all very worried for you.”
Joan Jett
Sources close to the legendary punk pioneer confirmed in 2016 that Jett does have a secret twin who is really just a bunch of wild crows that have been sewn together. Better sources later clarified that her twin is not actually a bunch of crows but one human person who just happens to resemble several sewn together birds.
Herman Melville
Historians recently uncovered evidence that “Moby Dick” author Herman Melville had a twin brother, Smitty Melville, a whaler who perished at sea a few years prior to the book’s publication. Experts have dismissed the idea that Smitty’s untimely death had an influence on the literary classic whatsoever, as evidence shows the ship on which he met his end was most likely sunk by a vengeful narwhal, not a whale.
Mark Wahlberg
Hate crime enthusiast Mark Wahlberg allegedly has a twin sister who was given up at birth by her parents as a result of having too many kids already. When questioned about this rumor, the other Wahlberg siblings confirmed that, in hindsight, they’d have preferred their parents had given up Mark instead.
Yoko Ono
Believe it or not, Yoko Ono had a twin bro, Koko Moe Ono, that played in Toto. However, Yoko says bro Koko Moe Ono was advised by friend Sonny Bono to leave Toto and move to Kyoto to develop photos and sip cocoa while reading “I’m Sakamoto.”
Jon Gotti
[THIS ENTRY REMOVED AT THE EDITOR’S REQUEST AFTER TWO LARGE GUYS WITH JERSEY ACCENTS SHOWED UP AT HIS HOUSE AND EXPLAINED WHAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN TO HIM IF HE PERSISTED IN PUBLISHING SUCH FRATRICIDAL SLANDER.]
Air Bud
Buddy the dog was actually part of a litter of eleven, but his mother quickly ate all but two of them to save resources. The twin, Gudge-Gudge, was later sold off by the owners to a traveling mulch salesman. Years later, after the success of “Air Bud,” Gudge-Gudge went in search of his long-lost sibling, and the two eventually reconciled. Gudge-Gudge remained Buddy’s business partner for many years, and ghostwrote Buddy’s autobiography, “Too High! The Air Bud Story.”
Glenn Close
In contrast to Close’s nearly fifty years in the public eye, her identical twin Slappy is one of the most reclusive human beings to ever live. Slappy’s existence is only known to the public at all after Close revealed, in an anecdote she told on Fallon, that once a week she delivers to her twin a supply of raw cake batter and pickle juice to subsist on so as to never need to leave the house.