ORLANDO, Fla. — An alarming new report revealed that Nickelodeon executives have been using the set of ‘90s game show “Legends of The Hidden Temple” for ritual sacrifices designed to appease the gods of children’s entertainment.
“Back when the show was airing, we always had a seventh sacrificial team of kids that we edited out of the final show. This would set us up for a strong ratings ‘harvest.’ Plus, we could feed the scraps to Olmec. So it was a win-win,” said David Bittler Sr. VP at Nickelodeon. “These days Nick murders interns. We pick a random corporate buzzword and the first one to say it gets dragged to the altar by the temple guards. This week’s phrase is “at the end of the day.’”
Considering the traumatic events, very few of “The Legend of The Hidden Temple” contestants actually remember being on the show.
“The whole thing was a blur. First, They locked us in a waiting room for hours with the temple guards. They would chant something about sacrifice for the greater good and honorable death,” claimed former contestant Ely Kreimendahl. “Then during the game, as I slid the head onto the silver monkey idol I swear I could hear screaming and saw blood dripping out of Olmec’s eyes. Finally, I remembered one of the temple guards grabbing my shoulder before relinquishing and saying ‘this is not the one’ before offering me a gift certificate for a free pair of British Knights sneakers.”
Mike Lazzo, former Executive VP of Adult Swim explained that this is a common practice in the TV industry.
“I know how it might sound, but it’s pretty standard to boost ratings with a ritual blood sacrifice,” said Lazzo. “Unless you’ve been in the live audience for ‘Price is Right’ you’d have never heard the sound of a losing contestant’s bones being crushed into dust by the big wheel. Over at Adult Swim, we practice a more ethical ego death by force-feeding all the unpaid staff members a potent cocktail of psychedelic mushrooms, LSD, and Ayahuasca.”
In related news, Orlando police officers were horrified recently upon discovering over 46 malnourished former contestants of ‘Nick Arcade’ that had been trapped inside a video game cabinet for the past 30 years.