Sometimes the search for love can leave one with more questions than answers, especially in regards to the first date. Do you meet there, or pick your date up by borrowing your roommate’s Kia? Do you keep it casual and wear a pair of jorts, or do you spruce things up a bit by wearing a slightly less tattered pair of jorts? Should you like, shower and shit? These questions may not have right or wrong answers. However, the one surefire way to impress on a first date is by taking them to the illustrious bistro that is 7-Eleven, especially if you are savvy and cultured enough to order off-menu.
Some may consider the 7-Eleven first date a bit hokey and antiquated, but certain things are cliche for a reason. There is no greater feeling in the world than sitting on a parking block and staring into the eyes of a potential lover as you split a bag of Takis.
The key to ordering off-menu, as with so much else in dating, is confidence. This is something hard to feign but, as always, 7-Eleven has the answer. While your date mulls over which tantalizing delicacy they plan on getting off the roller, make your way to the wine cellar, typically located between the energy drinks and the phone chargers. While one of the more robust beverages may draw your eye, such as a 40oz of Chateau de Budweiser, it is important to know one of the unwritten rules of 7-Eleven: if something is small enough to fit in your pocket, they actually don’t make you pay for it. Opt for a more modestly-sized drink, such as a can of Monaco or a pint of Skol. Once you knock back a few of these in the washroom, head back to your dates (by now, you should be seeing two of them).
To order off-menu, it is important to let the garçon know you are a man of culture. Otherwise he might kick you out, typically on some trumped-up charges of “disorderly conduct” or “vomiting on the scratch-off dispenser again.” I recommend using the following script, until you are able to come up with your own:
“Bonjour, good sir. Could I trouble you to take one of those scrumptious looking taquitos and place it on one of your artisanally-made hotdog buns? No, no. You can hold the ketchup. Leave that for those with a more American palette. I will, however, take one of your Big Bites. Would you be so kind as to dunk that into your decadent hot wing sauce? Merci.”
By now, your date should be swooning. While your Tinder bio said you were “fluent in sarcasm,” they had no idea you could speak the language of love. Stroll out to the curb, light up a Pall Mall, and let the smell of lust and mini-tacos wash over you.