NEW YORK — Violent criminals and feral animals from across the country gathered in New York yesterday to protest America’s unfair comparison of their ilk to law enforcement officials.
“This malignment of our demographic is unjust, unfounded, and unmitigated,” said Eddie “Blood Shank” Rivers, a well-respected and feared member of the thug community while addressing the press. “The violent acts we commit against people are purely for survival. If your neck ever winds up under my knee, it’s only because I need your money so I can buy enough drugs to keep me from getting fucking sick. It’s not personal, and it certainly has nothing to do with race… it’s just that the whole system is built to push me towards violent crime.”
Rivers allowed the ensuing cheers to die down before adding, “Now give me your fucking money!”
Despite historically being disorganized and separate groups, the thugs and animals in attendance demonstrated clear focus and solidarity.
“What the hell do I care about race? I’m not even part of the same species as you fuckers!” said Brown Claw, a visibly agitated bear from the woods of Upstate New York. “I kill people when they wander into my woods — not when they’re walking down the goddamned street! And I only kill them if they get too close to my offspring, not to express my prejudice and rage or feel powerful. And when a bear does kill a human, it’s not like we have a whole cartel of bears set up to protect that bear from legal ramifications — we don’t have that bear turn in his bear badge and his claws for a few weeks while we send them off on paid leave, just to send them to another forest to kill more people!”
Brown Claw added, “Now give me your fucking honey!”
Although technically both groups want the same thing, NYPD officials were infuriated by both animal and thug protester alike, claiming the demonstration only furthers vilification of police officers.
“Some of these protesters are literally sub-human! They should be honored to be compared to us, not ashamed,” said NYPD Union President Mike O’Meara. “I would love to personally kiss every cop I’ve ever met right on the lips. Because those lips are soft, tender, and some of the bravest lips on the planet.”
O’Meara waited for the booing to subside before adding, “Now give me your fucking taxes!”