NFL Wife Incorrectly Marks Herself “Safe” on Facebook

TAMPA, Fla. – Ellen Hayes, wife of Tampa Bay Buccaneers linebacker Ralph Hayes, marked herself “safe” on Facebook last week after a recent tropical storm, despite the inherent dangers of being married to a professional NFL player, sources confirmed.

“I’m glad to know Ellen and Ralph made it through the storm, and that there was minimal damage to their house,” said Jill Sondheim, a representative for the National Organization to End Domestic Violence. “But, to be honest, I think ‘safe’ might be a bit of an exaggeration in this case.”

Experts agreed that Mrs. Hayes is likely in near-constant danger, considering the NFL’s long history of encouraging violence, ignoring mental illness, and skirting accountability in the name of the players’ well-being.

“The research on CTE is damning, and shows just how severe the concussive blows are that these men suffer,” said neurosurgeon Dr. Lin Graham. “Although Mrs. Hayes may be safe now, it’s just a matter of time before something as benign as, say, shoes left in a hallway set her husband on a path of destruction.”

Ralph Hayes, who was out of town for an away game during the storm, offered words of support for his local community.

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“I’m proud to represent Tampa on the field, and I will be volunteering my time and money to help rebuild off of it,” said the NFL lineman, a kind and generous man by all accounts, who has been trained to hit strangers with crippling force at the mere sound of a whistle. “I’m looking forward to being back home and making our city stronger than ever.”

Mrs. Hayes wrote a longer Facebook post shortly after using the Safety Check feature.

“The wind was really loud, and we got a lot of rain, but I want everybody to know I’m now perfectly safe,” wrote the loving woman whose husband may have severe brain damage from hundreds of blows to the head, and will likely develop dangerous mental and emotional illnesses later in life. “We lost some of the patio furniture, but that can be replaced.”

The NFL, celebrating their annual Breast Cancer Awareness Month in which players dress in pink accessories and donate no money to cancer charities, had no comment.

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